“Should I have cancelled my step-daughter’s birthday party for insulting a classmate with hurtful comments like ‘Didn’t your father abandon your mother when she got pregnant? You deserve it completely’? #StepDaughterInsult #BirthdayPartyCanceled #TeasingIncident”
Teasing Incident Overview
– Step-daughter distributed chocolates only to “special” people, leading to teasing
– Made hurtful comments about a classmate’s family situation
– Refused to apologize when asked
Decision and Consequences
– Cancelled the birthday party as a result
– Wife and step-daughter upset with the decision
Seeking Advice
– Wondering if canceling the party was the right choice
– Share your thoughts and advice on the situation
I think you took it too far cos it’s not like those boys were innocent. Some times kids get picked on and bullied and her sticking it to the bullies wasn’t all bad in my opinion!!
HUH? Why is she buying gifts for classmates when it’s HER birthday?
And why are you saying she has to buy gifts for everyone? Why would she give gifts to people who aren’t her friends?
This story doesn’t make sense and sounds fake.
But in any case, YTA. Your stepdaughter was wrong for what she said but the other boy started it first by teasing her friend. Not sure why you’re pretending he’s some innocent victim.
>I agreed but said that she had to buy things for everyone.
That’s a pretty crazy rule for a 17 year old, that’s the kind of thing you say to a 10 year old
>She told one of them “Didn’t your father abandon your mother when she got pregnant? You deserve it completely.”
What an awful thing to say – she should not have done this
In my opinion, at 17, what she says to her friends/classmates isn’t really your business. When I was that age I couldn’t imagine my parents getting involved in stuff like this.
Hard to judge, what she said was wrong, I don’t think you should have got involved and cancelled the party, but I suppose it’s up to you, especially if the party was in your house. I’ll go NTA
Well, this is a little vague.
17 means highschool, and a some highschool classes are *huge* – so when you said to buy for everyone, did you really think she could get everyone?
What I’m getting at is….is it possible these boys who asked for something from her were the “no hug for me? 🥺” type of guys?
ESH Canceling the party unilaterally is not good for a family, especially a blended family. If this was shocking for you to see or hear you might have said to her privately that it shocked you because that’s not how you’ve seen her speak to people … but she’s 17 and her social consequences are largely her own unless you’ve been informed that she is bullying/harassing this peer. If she says things this cruel, she’ll have a social consequence eventually and it will be meaningful. Canceling the party made her think she’s the victim
INFO: your post is a little vague.
It sounds like the boys were ‘teasing’ the one boy (perhaps bullying, hard to know without more context) and Hannah snapped back. If they can give it, they should be able to take it.
Also was the boy actually upset? Because this sounds like the kind of dark humour my friends & I had as teens.
‘I agreed but said that she had to buy things for everyone.’
She’s 17, not 7.
Info: Did you cancel your step-daughter’s party without even discussing it with your wife aka her mother? That seems like an over-reach for a step-parent.
This is hard to follow as to who got candy and who got bullied but what your step-daughter said is horrible regardless of the context. How did you manage to cancel the Birthday party anyway? If wife didn’t agree, seems the party would go on over your protest and canceling it last minute probably created more drama. ESH. Sounds like your daughter was an asshole, your wife didn’t care, but you shouldn’t have unilaterally canceled the party last minute.
INFO: Were you ever 17? Because by 17, kids are heading toward adulthood and the “you have to give x to all of your classmates or none at all” thing seems a little strange. That’s not for kids who are almost university age.
YTA
It sounds like you also do not fully know the context to this banter back and forth. If she was really trying to bully someone would she do it in front of you?
Was she just defending someone? Was this a dark reel of jokes? You are missing a lot of details in your story.
Even if she meant to be a bully, a one off remark is not a reason to unilaterally cancel her 17th birthday. She will be leaving highschool soon. All her friends will be going to different colleges. You should have discussed it with your wife, obtained more context especially since the boy was not offended and dealt with it differently.
If it is part of an inside joke or banter, you can still have a conversation about how words can silently hurt people even if they say it doesn’t or act like it doesn’t.
There are better ways to handle the issue without cancelling the only 17th birthday she will ever have.
If your daughter had a history with this boy, a more serious punishment, since you mentioned the words shocked you. It sounds like she does not have a history of bullying.
If it is not too late, you should apologize reinstate the party and talk to her about why you saw her actions as unacceptable.
Yta. You over reached in so many places here.
More info needed: Did you ask stepdaughter what this boy may have done to her to deserve such a comment, or did you just assume the comment was made baselessly?
High school drama can be deep and complex.
I’m leaning towards you overreacted and didn’t give your own child the benefit of the doubt, which is going to erode her trust in you.
How would she buy for everyone in her class anyway? At 17 she would have different kids in different classes, no? I’m sure different countries have different systems but this seems odd
YTA – stay out of it.
So 17 year olds say stuff like that to each other all the time regardless of whether or not it’s true. I think you’re deliberately being vague and I’m not entirely sure what your relationship with your stepdaughter is like that you should be cancelling her parties? YTA
YTA.
And why is her mom even allowing you to do that? Where’s her spine?
If you tried to do that to my kid, I’d just tell you that you can’t. It’s not an emergency situation. You should have slowed down and discussed with mom. You had a knee jerk reaction to a situation without knowing enough about it. Maybe projecting your own feelings into the whole thing.
I’m sorry you were bullied, but you should apologize to both stepdaughter and to mom and make it right.
Do you knows these kids? Like any of them beside your SD? Do you know anything about their relationships? You asked her to apologize and she refused and you left it at that.
Have you considered there is a whole lot more depth of the relationship between these kids than the 3 sentences you observed? Instead of trying to force her to apologize why didn’t you talk to her? Listen to her reasons? She might be a bully OR she has information you are not aware of.
I don’t know why she said what she said, but based on this neither do you. If you have never in your life insulted anyone, good for you, but if you did, think back how those insults would be judged outside of their history and context, cause that is exactly what you did and now you are asking internet strangers to do too.
YTA. It seems she stuck up for someone who was being teased.
Yta. Were these two guys actually invited? Were they supposed to get them?
Also the banter seemed vague. Like did you know the specific nuances of her relationship to these guys? Were they maybe bully types and did they have a history of invading her space in a way that maybe you didn’t know or understand?
It sounded like cheeky banter but I feel I’m missing very relevant information.
She’s 17…not 7. She wasn’t bullying them. I think it was potentially the other way around and you didn’t bother to understand who these guys were.
You don’t get to cancel anything without her mom’s consent. Period. That’s inappropriate to think you can make unilateral descions like that.
Yta.
You sounds like an asshole dude. YTA
YTA. There needs to be more context. Most high schools have hundreds in one grade and have different classmates in each class so it’s not likely that she would be able to give a gift to every single one of them.
As for the comment to the boy, it could be considered harsh, but we don’t know the background. She gave the chocolate to the one boy friend so she wasn’t being rude to everyone. The other two may be creepy or jerks or bullies. I’d suggest talking to your daughter for more context to understand why she said what she did before overreacting. I’m a 29F and still very clearly remember awful teenage boys who would say perverted things or bully others and then turn around and act like a victim in front of any adults. Teenage girls have to be way more on the defensive and I’m certain your daughter knows their character and their intents better than you do.
Do when they boys say mean things it’s teasing but when your stepdaughter responds it’s bullying? YTA
YTA. it’s chocolate. it’s not deep enough to cancel a party over my guy
YTA
YTA. You’re treating your 17 year old daughter as if she’s 8. As my dad said to me when I was about 17, if he hadn’t already done his job raising me, it was too late to start then.
Edit: I take this back after reading OP’s comments. He’s still TA but it’s clear he hated his stepdaughter well before this incident and actively looks for reasons to punish and humiliate her.
YTA. You obviously hate your step daughter and delight in ways to upset her. Unfortunately this happens too often with step parents.
YTA, that’s a great burn.
YTA.
She STOOD UP for herself, and you punished her for it…
YTA. You don’t even know the context and you just jumped to the most extreme conclusion. SD is 17 not a little child. You feel good about yourself? Big bad step dad ruining a kids birthday, nice job Scrooge.
YTA
Sounds like the other boys were bullying her friend who she gave chocolate too and she defended him. Not in the best way but i think those were her intentions. You should have taken it as a learning moment to teach her two wrongs don’t make a right. YTA.
YTA – Overreaction of the Day 🙄
YTA I would have high fived my daughter. That is hilarious.
YTA you didn’t understand that they are bullies and she snapped not in the best way but she got tired.
YTA.
You’re a hypocrite
YTA and a weirdo she’s 17 almost an adult and she bullied someone back that was nasty to her friend they deserved it
Wow, you must be extremely sensitive OP. Your definition of bullying is NOTHING compared to what some of us had to deal with. If you’re looking for validation because “words hurt”, look elsewhere because Y are T king of As. It seems like you were looking for a reason to cancel the party. She’s 17, keep up this kind of punishment with her, and her mom will blame you for being the reason she never comes around after she leaves home. Seriously, this high level of sensitivity has me (and others) laughing directly at YOU.
At this moment I am teaching a high school Art class (they are cleaning up their projects)
YTA- those boys sound like the type that tease and bully everyone around them, your daughter not only stood up for herself but also for her friend
Could she have been nicer about it? Maybe but these types of boys don’t stop until you make them stop, sometimes that means snapping back in a way that shows them you are not to be messed with and will fight back
Not only have you punished your daughter for defending herself and her friend, you have also permanently damaged your relationship with your daughter, she will NEVER forget this