“Is it wrong to wish my mom had talked about my biological dad while I was growing up? #Parenting #FamilyDynamics #Grief #IdentityCrisis
## Background Story
I never knew my biological dad as he passed away in a car accident when my mom was pregnant with me. My mom remarried when I was 9 months old, and my adoptive dad legally adopted me before I turned 2. Growing up, my mom never talked about my biological dad, and we had no photos of him. I had minimal contact with his extended family, and this never bothered me until recent events reignited my feelings.
## Triggering Event
When a young friend of mine became a father, it stirred emotions in me. I began reflecting on how my biological dad was never a part of my life, erased from memory like he never existed. This sparked a desire within me to know more about him.
## Confrontation with Mom
One day, I gathered the courage to ask my mom about my biological dad. She adamantly refused, claiming it was unnecessary and strange to bring it up after so long. This led to an emotional confrontation where I expressed my feelings of being left in the dark about a man who was meant to be my dad.
## Conflict
My mom accused me of burdening her with my emotions and being ungrateful towards my adoptive dad. She dismissed my longing to know more about my biological dad, which left me feeling hurt and misunderstood. Am I the one in the wrong for wanting to know more about my roots and expressing how I feel about being kept in the dark?
Have you ever felt a similar desire to learn more about your family history or roots? How important do you think it is for parents to discuss deceased loved ones with their children? Let’s start a conversation!”
You’re old enough to try and reach out to that side of your family. It’s a shame your mother decided to erase his existence from your life. Loving him does not diminish the love you have for the mam who raised you and don’t let anyone tell you different. NTA
NTA, and your mother handled the whole situation really poorly. I’m sure it was difficult for her to be left as a single mom, but she should have shared stories of your dad with you when you were old enough to hear them. And saying it’s not fair to your stepdad is just wrong. Is there any chance you can learn more about your dad through his side of the family?
>She told me he was dead and we were alive and we didn’t need to dwell
I bet she’d be super upset if you told her that when she dies, you will fully erase all traces of her existence from your life. That you’ll replace her asap. NTA I’m so sorry you’re going thru this.
NTA. Would she have wanted presence diminished and replaced if she were the one to die? Unfortunately, people do what is best for themselves.
I hope you are able to establish bonds with your bio dad family. The ones who loved him most will bring him to life for you. This does not make you not appreciate what your adoptive father provided for you. We all need as many people as possible in our lives who love us.
NTA. You’re her child. It’s her job to handle your emotions and your questions. It sounds like she can’t handle hers and didn’t do the legwork to be in an emotionally capable place to do the right thing by you. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.
NTA
Your story reminds me of another one about the power of an old photograph. Author Philip Yancey’s dad died when he was 1yr old. His dad never held or saw his son because he was in an iron lung machine due to polio. When Philip was much older he came across an old rumpled photo of himself when he was a months old. He asked his mom why she kept the old photo. She explained that it was wedged into the nobs of the iron lung and was the only image his dad had of him. He wrote that the knowledge of that profoundly shook him; to realize that there was someone who never looked at him yet as much as his dad could loved him deeply and prayed for him.
Your situation is similar. You most likely had a dad that loved you before you were born and excited as your friend was for the upcoming birth, and he never got to experience the birth and you never got to know that person. It is natural to want to know who this person was that helped give life to you. However, understand your mom might not want to go down that road so you’ll have to find other means to learn what you want.
NTA. I’m not a fan of your mom either.
>She told me it wasn’t fair to expect that of her
bull. this is what decent parents are expected to do. it seems to me, especially with how quickly she moved on, your mother never dealt with her own emotions. rather than acknowledge your bio dad, she found someone she else to fill the role. perhaps it’s callous of me, but I also get the impression if she could have cut your paternal relatives off completely, she would have. NTA. its not wrong or unusual to want to know more about where you came from
NTA. My dad died 5 days before I was born and I was born on the day of his funeral. I spent my childhood always hearing about my dad and seeing what few pictures there were. I spent summers and some holidays with my dad’s family and my mom always made sure that we had a relationship because she didn’t want me to lose the other half of me.
Regardless of you being adopted, you still have another part of you that you deserve to know about. It wasn’t fair for your mom to let your stepdad adopt you when you were so young and had no knowledge of your birth dad. I wouldn’t say go totally no contact with your mom, but definitely low contact. Continue asking his family about him and learn the things your mom should have been telling you.
NTA
Completely understandable, but at the same time if this hasn’t been brought up much in the past then your mum is also perfectly within her rights to respond however she can.
She is probably struggling with emotions as well.
Give it some time and bring it up again when things aren’t as emotional.
NTA of course you’re curious about your biological Dad. I dont think that’s right to keep it from you. Did he have any family you could reach out to. It’s weird you don’t have them as a resource.
Fuck me, this is a man’s worst fear, the kind of pain that transcends the physical world. Do everything you can to learn about your fathers side of the family, your mother was done with before the year was up, don’t expect transparency from her going forward.
Contact every member you can from your Dads side, spend time with them, eat and drink with them and share photos with each other. Get a sense of what it would’ve been like living and growing up with that side of the family.
And if it makes you feel better, be comforted that you will share physical characteristics much like your fathers, these are the most precious heirlooms of all, because it is a part of them.
Probably a tricky time ahead, but a road worth exploring, good luck to you.
NTA…I hope you’ll be able to find other biological relatives to tell you about your father. Your mother is missing an opportunity to be a real parent herself.
Wow. NTA. It seems like your mom buried the memory of your dad for her own reasons, with little concern of how that would impact you.
Nta
You’ve got to be a shitty parent if you get mad at your child for “burdening” you with their emotions. NTA
My Uncle died of heart failure, and left a wife with three kids under five. Yes, she remarried and built another family, but the difference was that she and her new husband never limited contact with my grandparents and the rest of the family.
My cousins’ stepfather could be a bit of an ass, but he never ever allowed my Uncle’s memory to be erased, he never adopted them, because he knew it would hurt my grandparents if their grandchildren no longer carried their last name (and they had been through enough pain).
All this to say, your mother did a huge disservice to you and your Dad’s family. I empathize with her grief, but everyone at some point will be held accountable with their choices. My guess, based purely on conversations with my cousins, your adoptive father and your mom did not want to compete with a ghost, and this is why they erased your bio Dad from your life and limited contact with your Dad’s family.
NTA, but I do think that it would be good to talk to a therapist so you can unpack your own feelings, and figure out how you move forward.
Your feelings are valid, and at some point if your parents continue to ignore your feelings, you may grow to resent them, and I am not sure you want that anymore than they do.
NTA can you maybe reach out to some of his family? Maybe they can tell you more about him
NTA. Your mom had no reason to erase your dad from your life and pretend he doesn’t exist. I hope you’re able to connect with your dad’s side of the family now that you’re older and you can learn about your dad.
NTA try looking up his side of the family. It seems your mom will give you no sort of answers.
NTA. Your mum is though.
NTA, you have every right to be interested in where you come from. It sounds like you Mum dealt with her own grief by distancing herself from everything that reminds her of your bio Dad. So she’s also NTA, it must have been a very traumatic time for her. It’s a shame she doesn’t have the ability or capacity to deal with these big emotions as this is bigger than just her. She must have known this day would come.
Moving forward, it would be good to recognise her emotions and explain that you need and want to learn about your bio Dad. It’s not a sign of disrespect to her and your Dad. It’s entirely normal and healthy to be interested.
It might help to have some counselling together, as it sounds like she might need help to open up this part of life. If she can’t, that’s ok, but she needs to understand that it’s not ok to stop you just because it makes her uncomfortable. Maybe her boundary of not talking about it needs to respected. She also needs to respect your decision and feelings without criticising them. It may never be something she’s comfortable with, but you have other people who will happily talk about him.
NTA – You have a right to know about your bio dad. and wanting to know about your bio-dad doesn’t lessen what you feel for your other dad. there’s enough room in your heart for all of them.
Your mum is also grieving, which is understandable. No sound it was a shock and she didn’t know how to respond and responded in not the best way. Grief and pain can do that. It doesn’t excuse it, or her erasing him from your life, but losing someone can make you do stupid things.
Or if you don’t feel like doing that, you’re 19. You’re an adult now, go to your bio-dads family and start building a stronger relationship with them and getting to know your bio-dad through them.
Wishing you the best OP!
NAH. There’s no wrong way to feel in grief. It seems that while for you it would be cathartic to learn about your bio dad, talking about him would open a wound too painful for her to deal with at the moment, which is reasonable when grieving someone she loved for ten years. She’d likely benefit from speaking with a grief counsellor about it, but that’s her choice.
I hope you can both find some peace with this. Grief is a horrible thing to struggle through, even if it’s not from a recent loss.
Your Mom and her husband are the AHs here.
It’s perfectly fair for you to burden her with your emotions. She burdened you with unanswered questions.
My husband has been my daughter’s dad all her life. He bio isn’t even dead. He’s just a deadbeat, and I still answer her questions because that’s her biology, her history, her right. Yes, tbh, it sometimes hurts my husband’s feelings. But, as a parent, sometimes you let your feelings be hurt to ensure your child has their needs met. I hope your dad will understand that.
NTA. Can you ask your bio dad’s family more questions?
NTA – it makes perfect sense to want to know more about your biological father. Wanting to know more and asking that question could never make you TA here.
The simple fact you still have these questions speaks volumes about your mom and her reaction.
Whatever her reasons may be, she had 19 years to come to terms with it, and you asking questions should not have come as a surprise.
It’s also unfair of her to bring up what your stepdad might think about it because, in all honesty, he’s got nothing to do with it. Now, that might sound cruel, but the truth still remains that you’re not his biological child, and you should have the right to know about your biological father regardless.
I hope you can find the answers you’re looking for and that your mother will come around