#RelationshipAdvice #CoParenting #JealousyInRelationships
When it comes to complex relationships and co-parenting dynamics, it’s not always easy to navigate the feelings and expectations of everyone involved. In the case of my best friend Alex and his new girlfriend Molly, things have become quite complicated, and I’m left wondering if I’m the one in the wrong here.
Let me give you a little background to provide some context. Alex and I have been best friends since we were children. We were even briefly married and have a daughter together. Despite our past, we have both moved on and are now in separate relationships. However, our friendship remains incredibly important to both of us, as we have been through so much together.
Molly, Alex’s new girlfriend, has been aware of our friendship from the beginning and has chosen to tolerate it. However, during the holidays, a situation arose that left her feeling upset and jealous. She expressed her discomfort to me, and I tried to have a conversation with her to address her concerns. During our discussion, she made it clear that she wanted me to distance myself from Alex, which is something I’m not willing to do. I told her that if my partner forced me to choose between him and Alex, I would choose Alex, and I know he would do the same.
Now, Molly is spreading rumors that I want her and Alex to break up, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I understand her feelings, but I’m not willing to sacrifice a decades-long friendship just to appease her insecurities.
So, am I in the wrong here? Should I have handled the situation differently, or is it reasonable for me to maintain my friendship with Alex, especially considering our co-parenting responsibilities?
Here are some key points to consider in this complex situation:
1. Clear Communication: From the beginning, it’s essential to be clear and upfront about the dynamics of your relationship with your ex-partner and how it may impact current or future partners. This transparency can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings down the line.
2. Setting Boundaries: While it’s important to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship, it’s also crucial to establish boundaries with your ex and their new partner to respect everyone’s feelings and comfort levels.
3. Understanding Insecurities: Recognize that feelings of jealousy and insecurity are natural in some situations, especially when a partner shares a close bond with an ex. Acknowledge these feelings and try to address them with empathy and understanding.
4. Prioritizing Your Child: Ultimately, the well-being of your child should be at the forefront of decisions and interactions with your ex and their new partner. Maintaining a cordial and respectful relationship can provide stability and support for your child.
In conclusion, while it’s important to be empathetic and considerate of Molly’s feelings, it’s equally valid to prioritize your long-standing friendship with Alex and the co-parenting relationship you share. It’s essential to navigate this situation with care and understanding for all parties involved, but it’s okay to prioritize the important relationships in your life.
Hm, everything after you said ”I decided to talk to Molly personally and apologize. I told her that I understand that few people can be in a relationship like this without being jealous or worried, so I’m not mad at her, but she was warned at the very beginning” was unnecessary imo especially the hypothetical comment about choosing Alex over your current partner. So YTA for everything after that, it’s nice that Alex’s current partner is understanding of your situation but I do agree you should’ve been softer to her, she just feels unseen here, understandably.
NTA for the gift, but YTA for talking to Molly personally about it. It wasn’t your place to get involved. Why did you think saying something like that to her was okay? How did you not know how that would make her feel? Of course it sounds like you want to break them up. Also just because you would choose your ex over your current partner, doesn’t mean he would choose you over his.
Hmm, I wonder how your boyfriend would react if he heard you were ready to get rid of him in a second?? He can really trust you and build your relationship. And how would you react if you heard your boyfriend say something like that about you?
It’s one thing to be in good relations, to be good friends, parents, and another to be AH. It’s not about the gift you got from his mom, it’s about your conversation with his girlfriend.
It can be seen that you are young and immature because this is not at all the way you talk to his girlfriend or say for him what he would like and how he would like it. Leave it to them.
Be on good terms, there are still many years of joint upbringing and decision-making about your daughter, but you absolutely must define the limit of involvement in your relationships with other people
YTA
I’m going with ESH.
Molly because she’s angry at the wrong person.
You for not seeing that this is always going to be an issue, with Molly or another because of Alex’s behaviour.
Alex for 1. not telling his parents he was bringing his GF for Christmas, and 2. because he’s not acting like an adult in this. Sounds to me like he’s enjoying the fact that two women are “fighting over him” and he’s not planning on setting boundaries with anybody.
Welcome to the joys of blended families with a jerk in the middle.
Yta. Honestly this whole post gives me icks. You and your ex sound like selfish a**es who delight in your “not like other exes” status.
YTA you don’t get to speak for him. you think he would choose you, you probably even hope he would, but you really don’t *know* that. you definitely overstepped and damaged his relationship in doing so. well done I guess.
YTA -trying to tell your friend’s romantic partner you are more important than them just sounds kinda unhinged and jealous. *If you really were more important than her, you’d still be together with him but you aren’t*. And if you are marrying another man and love him, you aren’t spending your time arguing with your friend’s GF about how you can take her man from her if you want. That’s so damn weird and confused. You sound like you are lying to yourself about your feelings and trying to have it both ways and its obvious to everyone but you.
It sounds like MIL is on your side and did what she did to be passive aggressive and you both get off on causing problems between him and his GF. I’m sorry that’s just pathetic of both of you. If you really cared about your friend as much as you say, you’d shut up and stop trying to cause problems for him. But that’s not what you’re gonna do; you’re gonna keep causing childish drama because you are an asshole.
You do realize this is not a normal relationship? Your partners are just place holder’s for each other. YTA
YTA. He’s your kids dad but you both have partners. If I was your bf I would have thought that was a weird comment to make too.
Whyyyy are children getting married and having children
ESH
YTA
Take this from someone who’s best mate is also a ex and has been for over a decade.
Do not get in the middle of their relationship issues. This is not your circus anymore. If she has an issue, with the dynamic between you two or with his family it is for your mate to solve with her. Stay way way out of it.
One day he is gonna have a long term partner and probably more kids. Don’t think you can not be with the guy and stay his most meaningful relationship. You will have to learn to be respectful and play nice with whoever he chooses eventually, so get in the practice.
ESH – Yeah she tried to deal with relationship you two have and now just can’t as her jealousy rears it’s ugly head. She was wrong to expect you to just give up a lifelong friendship, but you on the other hand telling Alex would pick you over her was just unnecessary. and a bit lording over her. So maybe you and Alex could agree to give Molly a little space and some time to better accept your two’s relationship.
YTA Alex asked you to speak with his girlfriend to offer reassurance as he wanted to counter her belief that your current relationship was inappropriate so it could continue as is, you did the exact opposite. The last thing that this behaviour shows is that you are Alex’s friend. You are an ex who will always expect him to do the heavy lifting in supporting you emotionally whilst you give all the benefits of a relationship to someone else. Move to a normal co parenting relationship and feel embarrassed at yourself that his 23 year old girlfriend shows more emotional maturity than both yourself and Alex.
YTA and so is your ex! Molly is his partner now and they should be a team, it’s healthy to set boundaries especially in coparenting feelings can get hurt so easily. I had a daughter at 16 with my then boyfriend we’re now both 30, we have a great relationship, we consider ourselves friends and our partners get along great, once a year we will do a day as a big family for our daughters birthday but there is boundaries. His family loved me, would still want me to be included in events etc and it was me that said no that’s disrespectful to his new partner! You can’t get butthurt at your ex for moving on, at some point use need to accept use can be coparents and friends and draw the line there, there’s no harm in friendly chit chat etc but that’s where the line should be drawn
I think you should break up with your current bf and reunite with alex. End of.
YTA. You shouldn’t speak for Alex. In reality, he may be very willing to choose Molly. Stop sticking your nose into their business.
YTA- you could have just been reassuring and smoothed things over but you threw fuel on the fire with what you said and you know it. Telling someone you are more important to their partner than they are is not helpful.
Everyone except yasmin sucks
Tell your now fiancé that you’d still choose alex over him and see how he takes it
YTA. This is exactly why I personally hate these relationships which start off with disclaimers…*”I want to date you but just know that there’s already another man / woman who’s always going to take priority over you”*
Being good co-parents and civil with one another is one thing but *this*, what you described, is not on. It’s codependent overly affectionate to the exclusion of other’s feelings. You can’t have one foot out the door in a relationship. You also have to respect his new relationship. You sound boastful like you *know* for a fact that you’re his number one. You hardly mentioned anything about your parenting relationship but you gave a mouthful about your everlasting, nauseating love for each other. Grow up.
ESH I see things differently than many of the commentors.
Molly is jealous. You and Alex have a long history and close personal connection in addition to being co-parents. Molly is insecure about her place stepping into this dynamic and figuring out where she fits. That’s her problem to resolve with Alex not yours.
Alex was a huge AH for making the Xmas gift issue your problem. He is the person responsible for talking things through with Molly. If he’s not sure how to navigate things – he can get professional assistance.
You are a soft AH for trying to fix a problem that you cannot fix. At some point Alex will likely have a serious relationship or get married. It will be an adjustment for all. Even for you as your relationship with Alex will shift some. Alex will have to deal with his partner and their challenges together. Don’t let him make you his “fixer”. That will only lead to disaster.
Women like you suck. YTA.
I feel bad for your current partner.
Your prob the person he loves the most in the world and he’s like 3rd or 4th to you.
Dont marry him unless you love him.
Sounds like hes a placeholder until you and your ex figure your shit out and get back together.
“I told her that if my partner had forced me to choose between him and Alex, I would have chosen Alex, and I know that he would do the same.”
YTA
First, you sound like you really have a need to impose on this girl that you knew him first, second, you’re speaking for him, he may not share your opinion.
ESH Molly should not have any issue with Yasmin being a massive part of their lives and was a bit bratty about the present situation but you are not helping matters.
You can coparent without it becoming intrusive on future relationships but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want. You can’t say to Molly that Alex will always prioritise you because you don’t know that, it may be what you want but maybe Alex would actually like to be free to pursue this relationship to the fullest. You could stay friends but give your friendship a respectful distance for a short while to let them work it out between them, you shouldn’t be part of that discussion
YTA.
You shouldn’t have said anything. When Alex came to you and said she was upset, you should’ve gone “that sucks. Guess you should talk to her and your parents about it.”
There was no need to go to her to apologize/tell her you aren’t mad at her (wtf?). It was an issue between her and her partner.
Molly is jerky too for how she discussed your child, but I think your “not like other exes” vibe outweighs it
YTA Molly deserves better
There’s several things going on here.
Alex and you have a long history and are coparenting.
Alex and Molly and you and fiancé are now two separate couples.
You aren’t wrong for protecting your coparenting relationship. The child you and Alex share is, rightfully, one of the main priorities in your lives.
Your former MIL isn’t wrong for getting you a gift and not getting Molly a gift.
Leaving aside the fact she didn’t know Molly was coming so didn’t know to prepare a gift for her, which is Alex’s fault by the way, MIL is allowed to have whatever relationship with you and Molly that she wants. You are the mother of her grandchild. You are always going to be part of their family.
Removing yourself from the equation, as Molly suggests, would not make MIL like Molly any faster, nor would it have magically made a gift for Molly appear that day.
Alex seems to be the one with the most to blame here. He 1.)did not tell his family he was bringing a new girlfriend as a guest and 2.)now that his girlfriend is upset, wants you, someone not in their relationship, to fix it for him.
I think you messed up when you agreed to talk with her and then said what you said.
I believe you, that what you said is true. You are Alex‘s ex-wife, the mother of his child, and his best friend, even after the divorce, of 21 years. At this point he probably would choose you over her. Molly is a new girlfriend of just a few months.
But this was a conversation that Alex should’ve had with Molly, not you. It is up to Alex to let his girlfriend know where he stands.
You shouldn’t have to apologize for other peoples actions, nor for being a good parent and coparent. However, no girlfriend wants to hear that the ex is always going to be more important than she is, especially from the ex.
You can’t undo the conversation you had, but I would not have any further conversations like this with her going forward. Alex needs to be an adult, and take care of his relationships.
ESH
Edit-comma
YTA for taking this on in any way, shape, or form. If she contacted you, you should have said to take things up with Alex and it goes without saying, you shouldn’t reach out to her. This isn’t a problem between you and her, it’s a problem her and Alex. Leave it that way.
YTA you are jealous of Molly and want to continue the relationship with your ex like nothing happened, but you are divorced and you need to back off, is the only way he can have a new healthy relationship. If you are in the middle, will become a bitter person poisoning their relationship and wanting to go back in time. But everything change, you need to let him go.
Esh. Y’all need more maturing. His gf for being upset at the wrong person. You thinking the dude will choose your friendship over his romantic one forever. You will be not the only baby momma he will have.
YTA regardless of what everyone else did or didn’t do. If you’re over Alex & happy with your current relationship you wouldn’t be deliberately shit stirring with the new gf. Whether Alex is devoted to new gf or not is none of your business. His family’s feelings about her are none of your business. Other than coparenting, the only energy you need to spend on Alex is figuring out why your self esteem seems to be tied to your ability to attract & keep his attention. It’s great that you’re friendly but it sounds like you haven’t really moved on from the romantic aspect of your relationship which isn’t fair to anyone.
ESH but you and Alex the most This whole “we aren’t like other exes, we would drop any partner in a second” bit only works if you and Alex have the emotional maturity to manage that. You don’t.
This is cringy and annoying. You have no boundaries, your situation isn’t sustainable. There are some good bits but Alex and you don’t get to feel entitled to a romantic partner while having this degree of emotional intimacy with someone else. It’s not a normal friendship or coparenting relationship but it’s not unique in a good way. Just a selfish and very “high school ride or die” way.
Alex pretending he’s in the middle and you’re both being silly is cowardly and immature. This is HIS situation. You have nothing to do with it. He has to manage things with Molly and you both need to understand that boundaries should evolve.
YTA, your current partner comes before your ex. You admit that for you that is not the case – don’t get married!
YTA. I am best friends with my ex wife but I cannot imagine being that involved in her families holidays and what not, even if we did have a kid. I know you say theres no attraction but you act more than just friends. You’re like a couple that just doesn’t have sex with one another and it’s unfair to put that onto other people who want to be in your and his lives as equal partners when you tell them right away they will never truly be more than what your ex is to you now. Nah. Im not stepping anywhere near that kind of nonsense. Both your partners should get out asap
I think you’re full of crap that you went to Molly to apologize. Why would you? You didn’t do anything wrong.
I think you went to her to remind her and rub it in her face.
Both you and Alex are complete assholes if you are going to do this to your partners for the rest of your lives. To tell your partner that they’ll never be #1…. wow.
On top of that you speaking for Alex… that’s not your place at all.
YTA.
either get back with alex or shut up.
easy.
YTA. It was absolutely none of your business to speak for Alex.
So, YOUR family was the abusive one? Aren’t you reproducing the same toxic enviroment for Yasmin?
Think about it.
I know you will say its diferent. But if Yasmin gets attached to Molly or to your partner, it will make things dificult. And if she sees that your relationship with her father is a matter friendship and not coparenting, she might feel she needs to reproduce the same.enviroment herself.
Its not that Molly is wrong here. But you should have been nice. If only you explained that it took years for you earn such a gift and that her future MIL will gift her the same in a few years, that would have sound nicer.
Even your own partner deserve to be your anchor. You should relay your feelings and emotions to him most times.
Saying: I am his FIRST and he is MINE sounds soooo narcisist, as if you want that to keep going on. It shouldn’t. Yasmin will suffer. You are already making sure she sees your relationship to her father like that.
Molly needs to run. This is a psycho situation.
YTA. Molly and Alex have their issues, but you basically told her you can have Alex back anytime you want. Did you clarify that bit of information with your boyfriend?
YTA
If you and your ex would choose each other over your current partner, there is an issue and your partners need to end the relationships. It isn’t acceptable to be in a relationship and to expect to come 2nd to the ex.
Mollys feelings are valid. The timing of the gift was rude and shame on your ex for allowing his family and you to treat her this way without boundaries.
You are playing both sides. Step back.
YTA I’m getting smug vibes where you feel the need to control things that are one of your business. I am not sure why Molly and your *current* unimportant bf put up with it. Why would you basically tell two people that they are unimportant?
YTA. I feel bad for everyone you and Alex drag into this mess. They probably all leave needing therapy.
She was warned? She deliberately decided to put up with it? He’ll choose you over her if he has to? You’re a drama queen. You sound insufferable. I hope both men drop you and you get the reality check you deserve.