#RelationshipAdvice #FamilyDrama #FinancialStruggles #JobSearch
Are you feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by your boyfriend’s sister’s lack of willingness to get a job? You’re not alone! Many individuals find themselves in similar situations where family dynamics can impact financial responsibilities and expectations. Let’s explore practical solutions to address this issue and find a resolution that works for everyone involved.
## Understanding the Situation:
### Financial Struggles:
– His sister and brother-in-law moved states to be closer to you, seeking financial support.
– They live rent-free in your home, with expenses being covered mostly by you and your boyfriend.
– The sister is hesitant to find a job due to pressure from her husband and son.
### Job Search Dilemma:
– You work hard at a stressful job and feel frustrated that she is not contributing financially.
– Your boyfriend’s lack of concern over the situation has sparked disagreements and tension.
## Examining Your Feelings:
It’s essential to recognize and validate your emotions in this situation. Feeling undervalued and burdened by the financial responsibilities placed on you can take a toll on your relationship and mental well-being. It’s okay to express your concerns and set boundaries within your home.
## Practical Solutions:
### Communication Is Key:
– Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings.
– Express your concerns and the impact of their dependence on your finances.
– Seek compromise and solutions that work for all parties involved.
### Encourage Independence:
– Encourage the sister to explore job opportunities and pursue financial independence.
– Offer support and assistance in her job search process.
– Emphasize the importance of contributing to household expenses and sharing responsibilities.
### Set Boundaries:
– Establish clear boundaries with your boyfriend regarding financial support for his sister.
– Discuss mutual agreements on shared expenses and the duration of their stay in your home.
– Ensure that everyone understands and respects these boundaries to avoid future conflicts.
## Moving Forward:
By addressing the issue with empathy, understanding, and a proactive mindset, you can navigate this challenging situation and find a resolution that benefits everyone involved. Remember to prioritize your well-being and communicate openly with your partner to create a harmonious and supportive environment in your home. You’re not alone in facing these struggles, and together, you can overcome them and strengthen your relationships.
NTA. Sorry you split your bills with your boyfriend and you both own the house together but he gets to decide that three people can live there and freeload off of you? I get they were in a tough position but sounds like there are three people who could be working and contributing to the household that aren’t.
I’d maybe be thinking about the long-term viability of the relationship if your boyfriend doesn’t want to take your feelings and needs it to consideration. Like yeah, neither of you can afford this in your own but it sure as heck would be easier if the three other people there were contributing
INFO: Why are they not contributing anything at all to rent now that they have an income from the husband’s job?
Possible ways forward:
1. You & BF agree to charge these people a fair market rent & stop paying their portion of shared utilities, and either coexist happily or they’ll go find their own place.
2. If your BF won’t play ball, you only pay your portion of all shared expenses (about 1/5?) and tell BF he can pay for his relatives. And seriously reconsider whether you want to be living with your BF’s family for the rest of your life in your own home.
NTA – You need to get those freeloaders out of your house. You need to tell BF also that you both decide on its use not just him, you pay half and guess what BF, I claim the half of the house they live in. So get your behind over to them and kick them out. Either that or BF can just move into that half of the house.
Question: You say you bought the house together. Does that mean both your names are on the home?
NTA-Before they moved in, you should have discussed and decided on a set time frame to help and you should have been clear with what you expected. You can’t demand anything of his sister. You can only discuss the current state of things and give them a set time to be out of your place.
NTA.
Your bf had no right to promise his sister and her family that they could stay there rent free indefinitely. Unless they are financially sound enough to move out of your house right now, his sister should be working to save up money to help them move out sooner. Getting back on their feet was supposed to be their goal, not enjoying the luxury of stay at home dinner maker and chore doer.
Yes, you and your bf would still be paying the mortgage, but you could enjoy your whole house or rent some rooms to paying guests to make money. I’d insist on him giving them a move out date.
NTA. This is a short term agreement to help them get on their feet and move out.
NTA but you need to change the conditions of them staying in your home. This clearly isn’t working for you
NTA, but when you talk about this with your boyfriend next time, leave out your irritation about his sister. Without your approval, he told three adults they can live in your shared home rent-free indefinitely. That is NOT okay.
First, they are not your in-laws. You are not married. Which leads to second, since you are not married, you a both acting as Co Landlords in this situation and if your boyfriend wants to let them stay there rent free, you have to suck it up unless you go into the eviction process. NAH.
NTAH give them a dead line to find their own place. Two of them working they can afford it and then if she wants to stay at home it’s up to them. A year rent free you’ve done enough
NTA
Please explain to your partner that you both bought a home and decided to fairly pay for everything relative to salaries and at no point did that include paying to put a roof over three fully grown adults!
You have been overly generous with giving them a years grace to get them to a place they can be self sufficient but they are continuing to abuse your hospitality is grating!
You own this home too don’t let them abuse your finances while a SIL decides she won’t work so her hubby and child can come home to home cooked meals and everything done for them, thats a luxury thats afforded in THEIR OWN HOME!!!!
I feel like if she wants to stay home she should do chores and provide food for the entire house. That could be her portion of the rent.
Sorry; both you and your boyfriend work and contribute to bills equitably, but YOU are the one doing ALL of the chores for your boyfriend and yourself?
So you’re contributing more?
How much free time to you have?
It’s fine if your sister in law’s family don’t want her to work, but a) you and your boyfriend are subsidising this and b) you’re jealous because you have two jobs, and haven’t realised how unfair this is.
You should be angry at your boyfriend. He needs to do his fair share. And he doesn’t get to make decisions over a home you share: that you both pay for; that you both own.
YTA for the specific issue in your title. It’s not up to you to demand that your SIL’s family arrange their lives how you want them too. If SIL is happy to be a SAHM and her husband and son are happy to support her in this, then you don’t interfere with it (even though I do find it a bit icky to expect a 19 year old to financially provide for his Mum).
And yes you do sound jealous that SIL spends her time at home.
However, your boyfriend is an AH for unilaterally deciding that his sister and her family can live rent-free in a house you co-own, and refusing to discuss it with you. There does need to be a line drawn in the sand for when they should start to move on and find their own place, and you return to full use of the home you’re paying for.
Someone else said, and I agree, that you’re taking your anger at your boyfriend out on your SIL. Focus on the fact that he’s the one making decisions on shared property without proper discussion with the actual co-owner, you.
You’ve done a very nice thing for your future in laws by allowing them to have a safety net when they were down on their luck. That was supposed to be what helped propel them forward and progress towards independence. Unfortunately you have become a welfare system for them that they now rely on. It is obvious they are not motivated. At this point, you are ENABLING them. You are giving a “drunk a drink” as Dave Ramsey says.
You need to sit down with them and give them 90 days to find work and move out as your “help” is obviously not helping them. You are harming them by allowing them to become professional moochers. They need to be productive and it is unfair of them to be taking advantage of you as they provide no meaningful contribution to the household.
Your husband has to deliver this news. Do not get involved. It’s his sister and he needs to step up and take the trash out.
Updateme
What percentage of the household bills do you pay vs what your boyfriend pays? This is the EXACT reason you never buy property with someone you aren’t married to. I’m hoping at least your name is on the deed as an owner.
You need to reduce your contribution to the mortgage and utilities as long as the mooches are living with you — spoiler alert: since rent is free they will be living with you for the foreseeable future. Your should not be paying more than 1/5th of the household expenses. If you have a joint account stop depositing your paycheck immediately and give your BF a check for 1/5 of the household expenses. If he want’s his mooching family there he’ll need for that to come from his own pocket. Do continue to pay what you have been paying for your couple expenses that don’t benefit the moochers.
You are NTA but surrounded by AHs. Primarily your BF who let the moochers in without your consent and expecting YOU to pay for them and your inlaws, particularly your SIL for being a lazy mooch.
NTA. After a rent free year, they’re just freeloading at this point. Have a family meeting and work out a rent amount…or a leave date. The whole family have got too cosy in your home.
Dear boyfriend, the agreement (that I did not agree to btw) was that they could stay indefinitely to get back on their feet. As they are no longer trying to do this the initial agreement is now void. They Will either move out by “X” date or start paying rent at the current market rate.
It’s super noble to help out family in their time of need, but you have to also be able to recognize when you are being taken advantage of.
NTA
I love the (presumably) subconscious “**current** boyfriend”. Please start looking for your next one. Choose younger; if you stay where you are, you are going to be supporting him and his family into retirement.
NTA!!
NTA. Do they still live with you? Time to move out…
NTA. You don’t have an in-law problem, you have a boyfriend problem. Your boyfriend has been clear that the situation is acceptable to him and he will not change it.
You are only in charge of you. You can only control the way you behave.
You have two choices:
Accept that your boyfriend has told you he will not change the situation and stay as the bang maid for your boyfriend while you subsidize the in-laws.
Or leave.
Those are your two options for fundamental incompatibility between you and boyfriend.
Sounds like it’s time to dump all the dead weight and for the sell of the house. There is no way you should have to work your ass off to pay bills for his lazy ass entitled family. Tell boyfriend it’s time to sell the house so he can afford to support his lazy mooching family on his own. You don’t have to pay the way for lazy grown adults which is what the 3 of them are. If his sister’s husband can’t afford to support his family then his lazy wife can’t afford to stay home.
Edit: NTA
10 years together, no marriage. His family essentially freeloading. If your name is on the title of the house, you have some leverage and power. If it isn’t… you are SOL. His family comes before you. Seems obvious.
The utility bills definitely aren’t the same if they’re there or not. This situation is crazy to me. Three adults, two being men, can’t pay anything toward their own shelter? Can’t save and figure out their own living situation? NTA good luck with that
Your bf had absolutely no right to say to his family that they could stay as long as THEY wanted. What does this mean? 3 adult people?
I don’t want to mention how unreasonable and disrespectful is to not include you in this decision. You are not a roommate. This house is also yours. But I will say that if he can’t see how much you helped them until now, without being obligated to do so, then you must seriously reconsider the whole relationship.
No further arguments. Time for action. Talk to them and put a deadline in which they are allowed to stay. After this eviction
2 things must be noted. A) In these situation you ALWAYS set a time line. Still doesn’t excuse their behavior but setting the record straight from the beginning, is the safe choice
B) no matter what your husband told them, they went with it cause it suits them. They should have talked about it with you. IT IS YOUR damn house too. Why did they assume it is alright for a family to stick to your house like..forever?
Go nuclear about this
NTA
Ask your boyfriend if he thought about this long term. They are living there comfortably and rent free, why would they ever leave? Are you two ever planning on having kids? Might you need the space for something else?
If you all like living together and plan on continuing the arrangement permanently, then they should contribute something, yes your mortgage is the same, but they are contributing wear and tear and using more utilities.
Also has he considered that the longer she goes without working, the harder it will be for her to get a job, he might be setting himself up to take care of her for a long time.
NTA. What is wrong with your boyfriend? Yeah you’d have your mortgage either way but without the added expense of freeloaders that hike up the utilities by presumably more than double. If she wants to be a SAHW, she’s welcome to buy that means stay at your OWN home.
There has to be a time limit of living rent free or start contributing to paying off the mortgage at some point. 1-2 yrs should be plenty of time to get themselves together to help with expenses. There’s not incentive for them to do so if they can live there rent free forever. I hope they at least do all the chores/maintenance around the house like cleaning, taking out trash, mowing lawn and other upkeep. Your husband needs to understand that any extra income would help both family. In this time of high inflation, single income would be extreme difficulty as there’s no backup if that single income get layoff or get hurt.
If the rule is that the men pay the bills and the women take care of the home, (which you have already been doing) YOU FOLLOW THE RULES. Let those men cover the bills and YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY.
If your boyfriend thinks it’s reasonable that his brothers wife’s contributions of cooking and cleaning are adequate and she need not pay into the household- you have apparently been overpaying by going in 50/50 with this bro.
Or as we say, you have been being “all the woman AND half the man for him” and now he seems to think he is partnered with 2 people.
The other solution- DUMP HIS ASS.
You can force the sale of the house and move on from your BF. I would have real issues paying for 4 people to live in my house, three without any say in the matter.
NTA. I cant images living with someone rent free and not doing anything I could to get out as fast as possible. They have no plans to leave because they don’t have to.
I would start paying 1/5 of all bills like mortgage, electricity, water, etc. There are five adults living in that house. If your boyfriend chooses to cover his family’s share, that’s on him.
They’ve been staying with you rent free for a whole year… time to go. I’d be pulling the sister aside and telling her straight start saving to get out because yous aren’t going to put up with this forever. At this point they’re taking yous for a mug and your husband is allowing it
You are being taken advantage of. They can stay forever according to your BF. Tell him you want to sell the house and downsize or tell him you’re divorcing and you need the house sold to start over or he can buy you out. This is unsustainable you busying your but and you sister sitting on her. Better you than me. This will end in divorce because you have a right to feel resentment and it will build until u can’t take it anymore
Ask your boyfriend if he would make them pay rent if you moved out, and what his plan would be. Then tell him you’re considering this very soon if they don’t contribute to rent. He would either have to buy you out of your part of the house, or sell it. NTA, stick to your guns, fuck freeloaders
NTA your bf needs to cover 4/5 of the expenses if he wants to cover his family’s expenses.
The original agreement was to help them get on their feet— it’s been a year. Seems reasonable to check in and find out the plan. Have they saved money? Are they gonna buy a house soon, or find an apartment? When?
I would not caught up in deviations- THAT is what you agreed to. Period. Plan has not changed. If he told them different, he needs to correct it.
This is NOT about whether she gets to be a SAHM- it’s about how her working or not impacts them getting in their feet while they are still dependent on other people. They should be doing EVERYTHING in their power to be independent. Once they’re settled elsewhere, she can stay at home.
Right now it’s not about luxury, it’s time to hustle.
NTA.
NTA You should’ve never let them stay in your house. Sorry time to kick them out. Situations like this you don’t ever buy a house with somebody that you’re not married to. Either that or you have to end the relationship and leave.
Nta.
Force the sale of the house and move on. He chose his sister.
The whole ‘chores and hot meal’ thing – does she do this at your house? Are they planning on leaving? The audacity to brag about not working while taking advantage of your kindness (ie. NOT HAVING TO PAY FOR A HOUSE) is disturbing lol. Shouldn’t they be focused on getting their own accommodations before deciding she doesn’t have to work? You need to nip this in the bud asap.
She either starts cleaning and cooking for the whole house. Or she finds a job that is MINIMAL 30 hrs. If they refuse? They can move out in 2 months.
NTA
You and your boyfriend need to have a real talk about this situation before it blows up. I have been in a similar situation almost a year ago but on your boyfriend’s side of the story. My sister moved in with us to help her get on her feet (car was repoed/evicted for her home, etc but all due to her own stupid decisions). The plan was for her to live there almost for free (she contributed $100/ week to help with grocery costs, her 2kids were with her50% of the time). We never set a timeline for her which is what should have done as soon as she got her job that she still works at today. Just set the expectation that she needed to be putting money away so that she could get a place of her own again and get out. Instead of saving money, she was spending it like crazy. Taking trips, buying her kids crazy expensive gifts, shopping at the mall constantly. Anyway, what became the final straw was my sister demanding that she has a say in the rules of the house. My boyfriend and I (together 7 yrs) had a rule that she was not to bring men to the house due to her making a poor decision and bringing a man to our house that we didn’t know, we have 4 kids (3 mine and 1 his) and need to ensure the safety of our kids and our home. She ended up in a relationship and was with this guy for 5 months. She wanted to invite him over (yes we had met him already, just once before but my boyfriend had a weird feeling about him). She asked me and I texted my boyfriend who was at work (I work from home). He said he was not comfortable with it and I told my sister the decision was no. This caused her to blow up about her rights, she lives here too etc. When my boyfriend came home, he was ready to have a conversation about the whole incident, my sister went ape shit on him. I was attempting to stop her but she wouldn’t stop. My boyfriend was attempting to kick her out of the house right then and there, while I agreed she needed to leave I told him we could not force her to leave in that moment. He ended up going to his mom’s for just over a week to cool down and also while I sorted things out with my sister. Ended up giving her 30days to move out. But this has now sacrificed my relationship with my sister because in her eyes I chose my boyfriend over her(blood related family). But my boyfriend is my chosen family and after 7years together my loyalties were to him. She pent a year and a half taking advantage of our kindness. Guess what? She is surviving just fine on her own now. It’s amazing what people can achieve when they are forced to.
There is definitely way more to my story and I probably could write a book about it. All this to say, “indefinitely” is not a good idea especially if this is not something both of you agreed on together. If you and your boyfriend don’t figure out and agree on what the goal/end game is with his sister then it will end badly. Her not wanting to get a job is just the beginning of issues that will arrive, and with each issue the pressure will continue to build until someone blows. For you, your relationship could be the victim and for your boyfriend it could be his relationship with his sister. Set up the rules/boundaries/guidelines and the deadline for when they should be out on their own ( it can be 3mos/6mos/1yr) before it gets to the breaking point. Without this they will never leave, why would they? They have it good now with minimal financial responsibility. The sister doesn’t want to get a job bc there is nothing pressuring her to feel like she needs to contribute financially.
This your home and you are not happy, if your boyfriend values you he should agree that “indefinitely” is not a good idea.
NTA. Now invite a couple of relatives to live with y’all and tell your bf you promised they won’t have to pay a single penny to help.