#WidoweredParent #Parenting #Grief #Family #Love #Relationships
Being a widower and a parent at a young age comes with its own set of challenges and heartaches. When faced with judgment and pressure from family members, especially from a parent, it can be overwhelming and hurtful. In the case of one young widowed parent, the relationship with their father took a troubling turn as he tried to push them to move on and find a new partner, disregarding the grieving process and the emotional needs of the children.
## Understanding the Pain and Judgment
Losing a spouse at a young age is a devastating experience that leaves deep emotional scars. The young widowed parent in this scenario lost their beloved wife, leaving behind two young children who are still grappling with the loss. The father, who had been somewhat distant before, suddenly reappeared in their life, expecting them to quickly move on and find a new partner.
It is essential to acknowledge the pain and grief that the widowed parent is going through. The mourning process is different for everyone, and pushing someone to move on before they are ready can cause further emotional distress. The need for compassion and understanding from family members, especially parents, is crucial during such a difficult time.
## Setting Boundaries and Standing Firm
When faced with judgment and pressure from the father to move on and find a new partner, the young widowed parent had to set boundaries to protect themselves and their children. It is important to establish clear boundaries with family members, especially when they are being insensitive or judgmental. In this case, the widowed parent made it clear that their priority is to provide love, security, and the best life for their children, not to replace their late spouse with a new partner.
Standing firm in their beliefs and decisions, the parent emphasized that their role is to be the best version of themselves for their children, not to rush into a new relationship to fulfill societal expectations. By prioritizing the emotional well-being of the children and honoring the memory of their late spouse, the parent showed strength and resilience in the face of judgment and criticism.
## Seeking Support and Self-Validation
In times of grief and judgment, it is crucial for the widowed parent to seek support from friends, therapists, or support groups. Processing emotions, setting boundaries, and navigating complex family dynamics can be challenging, and having a support system in place can provide comfort and guidance.
Self-validation is also key in this situation. The widowed parent should trust their instincts and prioritize the well-being of themselves and their children above all else. By honoring their grief, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed, they can navigate the difficult journey of parenting as a widower with resilience and grace.
In conclusion, the young widowed parent is not the asshole for standing up to their father’s judgment and setting boundaries to protect themselves and their children. **By prioritizing the emotional well-being of their family and honoring the memory of their late spouse, they are showing strength and resilience in the face of adversity.**
NTA mate and you know it. You owe him nothing while you owe your children, as you said, the best version of yourself. Your father truly has some nerve to come over and tell you how to grieve. Rubbing in how he loves his new wife more than your mother, that’s blatantly evil.
My condolences for all the hardship you have had to endure.
” I will never yell at my children for crying for their mother because it makes the new spouse unhappy.”
Holy crap, NTA.
NTA that was absolutely beautiful, very well said.
NTA especially after it seems he reached out to you mostly to say “I told you so, now you’ll see” and make your wife’s death about himself rather than offering comfort to his grieving son.
I’m so sorry for your and your children’s loss.
NTA my best friend went through something quite similar when her mom got cancer and passed away 6 months later. 3 months after she died her dad starting dating and less than a year he was re married. He outwardly boasted about how happy he was and how he had a second chance at life and how my friends mom was toxic. Like seriously what are these guys thinking.
How you work through your grief throughout your life is a journey of your own and the best he can do is support that. No one knows what will happen. But for right now feeling what you’re feeling isn’t wrong.
NTA. Your father’s remarriage and subsequent treatment of you were hurtful, and his recent comments about you moving on and finding love again were insensitive. It’s natural for people to grieve and heal at their own pace, and no one should dictate how or when you should move on from your loss.Your dedication to providing a loving and supportive environment for your children is admirable, especially considering the challenges you’ve faced. Prioritizing their emotional needs and preserving the memory of their mother is crucial for their well-being and emotional growth.While your words may have been harsh, they came from a place of deep pain and frustration. You have every right to stand up for yourself and your children. Your commitment to your family and to Annie’s memory is a testament to the depth of your love and compassion.
NTA – I completely understand that everyone grieves differently and we all need different things. But it sounds like your Dad is completely unwilling to realise he may have made any mistakes during that time. I think the fundamental part of parenting is we are going to make mistakes along the way and acknowledge them and apologising for them even if we can’t change them is so important for the relationship. As someone else said you will make mistakes with your children while you grieve but hopefully from your own experience you will be self aware enough to reflect and explore if there is another way to handle things.
Sounds like your Dad was hoping you would agree that everything he ever did was the right thing to do and it’s safe to say it wasn’t the right thing for you.
NTA. He assumed and you set him straight
NTA. You have experienced profound loss, both as a child and now as a parent. Your father’s expectations for you to “move on” and find love again, as well as his attempt to justify his past actions, demonstrate a lack of empathy and understanding. Your emotional needs, as well as those of your children, should be respected and [supported.It](http://supported.It) was brave of you to share your feelings with your father and set boundaries to protect your family. Although your words may have been strong, they were an honest expression of your emotions and experiences. Your father’s reaction indicates he may be grappling with his own unresolved feelings and guilt. You have every right to stand up for yourself and your children in this situation, and your decision to do so does not make you an asshole.
NTA
Peace to you my friend.
Decades have passed and still your father sees himself as the victim. He was cruel because it suited him to be so. You were not cruel but you were honest. He used his power to diminish you and you are using yours to shelter your children.
Maybe lose his number?
NTA you weren’t harsh enough. Sometimes as men and fathers, we model good behavior from our male role models. But sometimes we’re required to model the inverse of bad behavior, and it seems that’s where you find yourself.
You’re an amazing dad. Thank you for that.
NTA.
To be clear your dad is AH for what he did in the last year. He should definitely have allowed you to grieve in your own way and decide on your own whether and when to allow for the possibility of another love.
There’s an old saying that “Women grieve, men replace.” It obviously does not apply to you, but it does apply to your dad, and many men of his generation and before. It may be that he never loved your mother as much as you love Annie. He’s not an AH just because he married someone else, or even to love her more or be happier with her than he was with your mother. But he is certainly an AH for pointing it out to you and suggesting you do things the way he did.
I was divorced, not widowed. My two older kids made it pretty clear they weren’t interested in being part of a blended family, once I eventually remarried. My youngest was all about it, for his own reasons. I think the important thing is to allow the kids to have whatever relationship they want to have with any eventual step parents, and not try to manufacture a “Brady Bunch” scenario.
I’m sorry for your losses. Love your children and know you are enough.
You weren’t harsh enough.
Nta
Btw, he still continues to rub it in. I can completely understand why you went NC. He’s a jerk.
NTA. That AH really called to say “I told you so, now you’ll see that I was the hero” instead of supporting his child. That’s enough there to never have contact again.
Absolutely NTA. Your kids do not need another mother. They need time to grieve and not feel like their dad is forgetting them because you are all they have left.
You are definitely not the asshole. I will never understand a parent who would rush i to trying to replace their spouse after they have passed and use the excuse that the children need another parent in their lives. For him to talk badly about your mom and get mad at you fro grieving your real mother is unacceptable and I don’t blame you for having very little contact with him. Personally I would cut contact with him completely after this encounter. You are allowed to grieve for as long as you need to and your kids never have to accept someone else as their mother. If you do eventually meet someone who makes you happy and treats your children right it sounds like you will still make sure your kids never forget their mom. I’m so sorry for your loss and for your children’s loss.
NTA
Your forthright approach to confronting your father was perhaps stark, but it was evidently necessary for your healing process. It’s quite clear that you were setting a precedent on how you expect the emotional complexity of your family’s grief to be respected and acknowledged. While grief can be a labyrinth of unpredictable emotions and choices, it seems your intent was not to cause pain but to illuminate the inadequacy of your father’s past actions and to protect your current emotional landscape. The time for superficial platitudes and misplaced “I told you so’s” is not what you and your children need. You are navigating your loss with a sensitivity and devotion that your father unfortunately neglected in the past. Your candor may sting, but it is not nearly as hurtful as the continued insensitivity and self-centeredness that your father is exhibiting. You have my respect for standing firm in your convictions and my condolences for your loss.
NTA. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾Bravo
You weren’t harsh at all. I would have been much more harsh. My mom died when I was 13 and I had a Dad like you. I promise you are on the right path. My father remarried but made sure there was NO new mommy narrative. Our family blended nicely without the “we are one no one else exists” drama. My Dad put us first and like us, I’m sure your kids will love, admire, and respect you for it.
My condolences. I wish you healing. Dad is selfish. Stay low contact until he has something positive to add to you and your children’s lives.
NTA. This is why you don’t give unsolicited advices to other people – your own experience might differ greatly and literally all your dad had to say is “I am here for you and my grandchildren, if you ever need anything just tell me” but he started to justify his life choices without any regard for you or your kids, very selfish and dumb.
NTA
Your exchange with your father underscores a broader discussion about grief, its individuality, and the unique ways we honor our departed loved ones. It’s vital to recognize that when someone is going through the process of grief, particularly with the added responsibility of children, sensitivity and understanding from others is non-negotiable. What you need is an environment that fosters healing, not one that magnifies loss through comparison and insensitivity.
Your father, despite experiencing loss himself, seems to fall short of extending the compassionate understanding that you and your children need. It’s not uncommon for grief to create a chasm between our expectations of others and their actions. However, when those actions directly oppose the nurturing and remembrance of a loved one, it’s understandable that patience wears thin. You were not doing more than establishing boundaries that reinforce the emotional safety of you and your children.
Moreover, the assertion of your emotional rights is not an indictment of your father as much as it’s a defense of your personal grief journey. You aren’t responsible for the grace your father feels entitled to; you are responsible for the well-being of your heart and that of your children. The harshness of your words is merely a reflection of that profound responsibility.
Your dedication to honoring the memory of your spouse and providing a healthy emotional environment for your children is commendable and should be your primary concern. Stay strong, and may peace find its way into your life.
NTA. Your father seems to have reached out mostly seeking validation for his own choices and then trying to push his own point of view on you. He has shown very little actual empathy for you and your kids after losing your wife. He also seems to have left very little space for your grief when your own mother died and that is just doubly painful. You are taking a much better approach with your kids, and they will benefit for it in a situation that is horrible for them.
Nta. You’re putting your kids’ wellbeing above your need for someone in your bed and your dad has to look in the mirror and realize he didn’t do the same.
NTA
In future you might date or you might choose to NEVER date.
And BOTH choices are completely ok and healthy.
I can’t believe how some people try to hang on the phrase ‘move on’, that they failed to see the beauty of life comes in all forms. In some cases, some people choose to never move on because they choose to love their significant other in the same intensity even after death. Yes, It’s a different type of life choice and only a few choose that path but it’s perfectly ok if that’s the choice they want to choose.
My favourite quote is The only unhealthy grief is unexpressed grief.
It’s not one fit for everyone. Someone will come out of their grief by adding new loe to their life and someone will choose to never do that but will add more friends and family while keeping their lost love alive in their own way. Both ways needs courage and both choices should be respected equally.
I’m a widow who chose to never date and in this 11 years I used to get many backlashes and some come in disguise of CARE. Those who really care for us will try to understand us and our boundaries. If not, the problem is them , not us.
Whenever people try ask me why I didn’t ‘move on’, this is my response. I lost too many things and the last thing I won’t lose is the right to love him the way I want.
It’s your life! Live your way as you wish and that’s the only way you can survive the grief.
All the best!
NTA – I’m so sorry for your loss and you are 100% right that you can raise them without a “new mom.” My brother was widowed when his son was an infant. He raised my nephew all by himself – my nephew is the most well-adjusted, secure, college-bound goofball you could ever meet. All you need is one good parent – and your lucky kids sound like they have one who will make sure THEY are the focus. Good luck with everything, I saw first hand how hard this all was, my heart goes out to you.
Post script – Then, after 17 years my brother met someone wonderful. Happiest ending ever.
NTA. You handled this *perfectly*. Sounds like your dad was hoping for absolution for being a shit parent to you after your own mum died and he didn’t get it from you. Let him stay angry.
You were not harsh. Your dad is a jackass. You are better off to go back to being NC with him.
P.S. Sending so much compassion and strength to you rn, OP. You’re doing a great job.
Wow. I’m so so sorry. The way your dad handled it was so wrong and the fact that HE can’t see how wrong he was as he imagined you doing that to his grandkids is so messed up. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this on top of your grief.
I have a 3 year old and I could NOT imagine dating if something happened to my husband with a child this young, let alone 18 month old. That’s an absolute no to me.
I lost my mom a few years ago, and after 33 years of marriage, my father moved on just like that. A month after she died, he declared he wanted to remarry and already had a girlfriend lined up. Mind you, I’m no child. We’re all adults and capable of taking care of ourselves. But it still stung, and it destroyed our relationship. to this day I have so much built in resentment towards him. And everytime he asks me what he did wrong and I tell him, he tells me it’s his right and I shouldn’t judge him for it. NTA.
I don’t need to read anymore, I stooped at your meeting and his defense of remarrying so fast.
My wife of 43 years died in 2016. Fortunately, we were together for us to enjoy our family, grandchildren, all of it.
My heart aches for your loss at such a young age, especially with two small children.
The only thing I can offer you is that time does help to lessen the pain.
It will not completely go away but will morph into a series of sweet and wonderful moments.
It seems to me that you are a stronger man than your father, he appears to be someone who cannot live alone.
After losing Peggy, it was 5 years until I did anything other than survive, dwell on my family and grandchildren, and take up photography.
The point is that you live for your wife is still very real, and it will be for a very long time.
But as you and your children travel life’s highway, you will begin to make memories of your own, and with luck, time, and new hope I pray you find someone for you and your children, but that person needs to understand the three of you are a package deal.
And that takes a special kind of person, willing to take on such a responsibility.
When you fo find her later on, give her a chance, because she just may be the one that your heavenly wife chose for you.
Good luck, and God bless.
I’m sure there’s somebody here that will tell you “oh you could’ve been nicer” because that person always pipes up for these kinds of stories. Could you have been? Maybe. Did you need to be? Absolutely not.
The man’s reaction to your wife dying essentially didn’t change from the way you describe his reaction to your mother dying, “Oh well, suck it up and move on.” Somebody that thinks like that doesn’t deserve grace or politeness. They deserve to be told the truth, and unfortunately for their egos that truth is hurtful.
Oh well, your dad can suck it up and get over it. NTA.
My husband died five days after our son’s first birthday. Rob has been gone almost 22 years now. People on both sides of the family spent years telling me that I needed to move on for my son’s sake—“How will he learn what a healthy relationship looks like if you don’t find someone?”
But I felt it was important to show my son that sometimes love *is* forever. That you can be a fully realized person all by yourself; that no one “needs” someone else to make them whole. That I was valuable for myself, and not just because I was someone’s partner.