#pregnancy #movingbeforekids #relationships #family #career #marriage
Congratulations on the exciting news of your wife’s pregnancy! 🤰 It sounds like you and your wife are facing a difficult decision regarding where to live as you prepare to start a family. Making a big move before kids arrive can be a daunting decision, especially when both partners have strong ties to different locations. Here are some tips on how you can navigate this situation while prioritizing the well-being of your growing family.
### Communicate Openly and Honestly
Communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to making major life decisions. Sit down with your wife and have a calm and open conversation about your respective desires and concerns. Be sure to listen actively to each other’s perspectives and try to understand where the other person is coming from.
### Consider Compromises
It’s important to remember that marriage is about compromise. While it may seem challenging to find a middle ground when it comes to where to live, consider if there are any compromises that can be made. Perhaps you can explore options for splitting time between both locations or finding a new city that can meet both of your needs.
### Seek Support from Loved Ones
Raising kids can be a challenging but rewarding experience, especially when you have a strong support system in place. Consider reaching out to your parents and other family members for advice and guidance on how to navigate this situation. Their insights and perspectives can be invaluable as you make important decisions for your growing family.
### Focus on What’s Best for Your Family
Ultimately, the most important thing to consider is what will be best for your family as a whole. Take into account factors such as job opportunities, proximity to family and friends, and the overall quality of life in each potential location. Remember that your decisions now will impact not only you and your wife, but also your future children.
In the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna teaches the importance of fulfilling one’s duties and responsibilities with detachment from the fruits of one’s actions. In your situation, it may be helpful to focus on fulfilling your duties as a husband and father, while also letting go of any attachment to the outcome of your decisions. Trust that by acting in the best interest of your family, you will find peace and fulfillment in the long run.
### Conclusion
Navigating major life decisions such as where to live before starting a family can be a challenging process. By communicating openly with your wife, considering compromises, seeking support from loved ones, and focusing on what’s best for your family, you can approach this situation with clarity and compassion. Remember that ultimately, the most important thing is to create a loving and supportive environment for your growing family. Good luck on this new chapter in your life! 🌟
By incorporating these strategies and seeking guidance from spiritual teachings, you can approach this situation with a sense of peace and clarity. Trust in the process and have faith that you will find the best path forward for you and your growing family. Congratulations again on this exciting new chapter in your lives! 🌈
Ngl all I’m hearing you say here is “me, me, me!” You’re unwillingly to make any sacrifices but see no problem with her doing so.
INFO: You say that it’s not fair of her to ask you to make a sacrifice by moving to her preferred location but you don’t explain why it’s fair for you to ask her to continue making a sacrifice by living in your preferred location after she has done so for five years already.
Yall need to talk TO each other not AT each other. I sympathize that she’s unhappy and hormonal (and prob scared about birth/motherhood), but she’s been expressing her discontent for a long time. Is your job more important than her happiness?
Can you get counseling to help you find a happy medium that would not make your commute so long or her miserable? Eg can you get a job outside of downtown Chicago or can y’all be happy living in the city center (but smaller condo)?
Come on – this doesn’t have to be either or. Yall need to team up against the problem not each other.
You need to tone it down
Everything seems to be about you. The reality is that she can leave tomorrow and have that baby in Chicago. The judge will rule that’s where the baby is to stay.
look the truth is she’s pregnant now, she wants to change. if she’s sure, she can up and move tomorrow to chicago and have the baby there, and your wife knows that. she’s getting a phd she’s no dummy. she knows that her best time to move is while she’s still pregnant because once the child is born it’ll be much harder.
she doesn’t like your family. she doesn’t want an increased presence from your family when there’s a kid, even if it’s to help. so at this point, you need to decide if you want to be married to her in chicago or single in florida. you dismissing her feelings as tantrums will not help her feel life you’re her partner. it’ll make her feel further isolated, so she’ll want to leave and join her family even more. at this point, i think it’s too late for you to do a 180 and start being attentive and caring for her feelings. i think she’s at the point of going and you can come with or stay behind. you cannot convince her and the big worry is any further attempts will be seen as further dismissal, upsetting her. and that’s not the way you want to start off a coparenting relationship.
Move to Chicago. An hour and a half commute beats a 3 hour plane trip once a month to visit your child who’s living with your ex and her new husband in Chicago. This ends one of two ways and your wife is in Chicago in either one. Choose wisely.
You need to compromise. She has given up a lot to make you happy. What are you willing to do to make her happy?
OP you posted you have family and occasionally have to travel to work in Chicago so why can’t you transfer there and make occasional trips back to Ft Lauderdale?
While I personally would not want to live in Chicago you did marry someone from there and you both have family there.
solid as a rock, op says. must be a pebble. op’s wife hates his family, kinda doubt his word that everything is hunky dory between her and his family.
op is a wealth planner, his job is probably more mobile than her future one will be. but interestingly will she be able to find a job easily, being pregnant? and if he moves with her, both of them probably will have no income before the baby comes, which is a bad idea.
maybe better to kiv the move first. ask her what are her contingency plans if both of them cannot find jobs immediately in chicago with a baby coming.
edit: sorry keep correcting btw you and he. cannot decide.
YOU’RE IN FORT LAUDERDALE???? yeah I’d want to leave too. I’ve been a few cities away all my life and there’s no way I would ever take my family there unless I had no other choice. (High crimes, homelessnes, crowds and shitty buildings/places compared to neighboring cities) That is such a terrible place to live. I cannot speak for Chicago but for God sake, listen to your pregnant wife and leave before she goes without you. An hour away from your kids is so much better than DAYS without them after the divorce.
by only looking for jobs in Chicago, she’s making it pretty clear that she’s going to move to Chicago… with or without you….
NGL sounds like you guys spent 0 time planning your lives outside of “I like you” and now it’s time to reap what you’ve sown. You met a girl whose family lives 1000+ miles away from yours, there’s no reasonable middle location to live in that scenario.
Seems you’ve got 2 options:
Split and live near your families, or
Live in x location, where one of you is half a continent away from your loved ones.
She’s looking for jobs out there she’s gonna go with or without you. Better be ready for that. She has a support system there and wants to be there for the birth and have her family around. She can leave before the baby is born and the child will be a resident of IL not FL which means you move to be closer to get any sort of custody over visitation. You’re playing with fire if you think she isn’t fed up with always living your way and won’t leave you you’re gonna find yourself losing your wife and kid. She went to FL for you, now she’s asking you to go to Chicago for her and your child where SHE will feel comfortable having a baby and being around her family to help her.
I dunno if you can do anything if you’re set on calling your wife having second thoughts and wanting to live near her family a temper tantrum.
Op you really need to stop and think about things here for a min. She doesn’t want to be in Fort Lauderdale anymore and is now pregnant and wants her family and wants to move to Chicago.
You on the other hand, don’t want to leave fort Lauderdale and you too want to be near your family. You say moving will give you and hour or so commute and that’s time taken from the baby. She’s looking for jobs only in Chicago. It sounds like she going to Chicago whether you’re with her or not and that’s gonna be one hell of a commute for you from Fort Lauderdale to Chicago to see your baby so you might want to really think about what’s that cost in the long run. Is staying in Fort Lauderdale really worth losing your wife and baby? Why should she be the only one to compromise and not you? If she were to stay she will only resent you and she will be unhappy and depressed. But there’s also you. How unhappy will you be if you moved to Chicago for her? Will you resent her for the move? Let’s put your family and hers to the side and think about what’s really in everyone’s best interests? The only person who will stand to lose the most is the baby. A baby born in an environment that’s full of tension, resentment , possibly depression, lacking in love is unhealthy for the baby. Both you you need to go into a discussion with open minds and consider the pros and cons of living in either Fort Lauderdale or Chicago
So I’m not understanding why you are fine with her sacrificing everything to live with you, but you aren’t even considering doing the same for her?
She has lived with you in a town she does not like, away from her support system, for *years*. She is now pregnant and starting her career. It’s a *perfect* time to consider moving to Chicago. And why wouldn’t you, given that she has lived in your preferred location, close to your family, for 5 years now? It would take some doing— maybe you have to work fewer hours, maybe you have to commute more, maybe you have to coordinate daycares in your new area so they’re close to work. But you could do it.
Look idk what you guys should do, but you come off in this post as really selfish and dismissive of her needs. This is a time to focus on her and your new family, and if you don’t do that, you will lose them.
Did you two seriously just never discuss where you would raise a family? She’s never mentioned wanting to move back to Chicago before marriage or before pregnancy? I mean, did you always just assume things would go your way? And no, things are not great if you have a wife who feels like she is trapped living in a place she hates. Sounds like her PhD and pregnancy are the catalysts she needed to get moving.
How do people with incompatible ideas of what their lives should look like get to marriage and pregnancy? Is it with the secret hope that one will just wear the other down and suddenly everyone’s gonna be happy like that?
>one thing led to another and before we knew it we were married.
You don’t accidentally get married. She was all cool with where yall lived, the marriage “happened” and then BAM “tantrums”? Ya ok.
You seem like an unreliable narrator so idk if I buy all the doom and gloom you are hyping Chicago to be. Decide what’s more important, your job and Fort Lauderdale or your wife and child. Pick and make a plan.
I mean she wants the same thing you want- to be near family in a place she likes. Neither of you is wrong, but might really be a good time to talk to a therapist
So you lived 5 years where you wanted to live so maybe you need to live 5 years where she wants to live.
Shit just clicks when you’re pregnant. Your priority becomes you and your child. With that said… SHE’S moving to Chicago, whether you are there with her is up to you
First step is to stop describing your wife expressing discontent and arguing with you as “throwing tantrums.” It shows a huge lack of respect for her perspectives and feelings and makes it sound like you see her as a bratty kid rather than an equal. How can you work through a problem if you see her wants as equivalent to a three-year-old screaming for Fruity Pebbles?
Whereas when you want the exact same thing (living near *your* family) you’re being totally rational and all the problems you’re foreseeing are actually insurmountable and not just you trying to pick holes in any alternate plan to maintain a status quo that benefits you. /s
Unless she’s rolling around on the floor screaming like a toddler, in which case you have bigger problems.
Well, it’s too bad that you are married at all, because your expectations are different. Also, I don’t really get why your marriage as called “solid” while you cannot agree where to live – and she is mean to your family. Without a kid involved I would say that you shouldn’t stay together.
Now you should at least entertain an idea to move. Now your reasons are more about “I don’t want to do it” than anything else.
You never checked housing and jobs, never even tried to talk to her what she plans to do. Maybe with two incomes you will be fine?
>My hours are long
So you’re barely around. She needs a village, not just a husband who works a lot. You need to wise up, and quickly.
Here are your options:
A) You can have a family with your wife, be a father to your child.
Or
B) You can have a child support check and a child who grows up barely knowing you.
Everything is great for you because you have exactly what you want.
It isn’t the same for her at all. She doesn’t have what she wants.
Time for you to become a stay at home dad, move with your wife to Chicago and support her career.
She’s gonna leave you if you don’t take this seriously. Do whatever it takes.
You could not pay me to live in Florida right now lol
Have you considered how unsafe it is to live in Florida as a pregnant person right now?
Your unwillingness to compromise speaks volumes, and you are going to end up alone. She’s going to leave you, move back to Chicago, have the baby there, and file for divorce and custody in her new home state. If you’re lucky, you might get to see your kid at holidays and in summer.
My ex and I moved for his career to a godforsaken place I hated. He promised me five years, then we would move for my educational advancement. When five years was up, he reneged and said he wanted to stay where we were. I realized he didn’t care about my career or happiness, so I filed for divorce, packed up the kids, and moved without him. Years later, after I had moved on with my new life and the kids were thriving in our new city, he told me he was sorry he didn’t listen. I definitely don’t miss him, though.
You agreed five years ago to live in Location A.
Well it’s been five years and guys what, is not a magical binding contract where the humans can’t decide the experience is negative or they react something different.
She is *going to leave* so you can start up an online financial company now and see how many clients Location A you can take with you, you can try to find an office job in Location B, or you can watch her leave and find out how difficult it is to coparent a baby a flight seat.
You can’t make her stay or make her leave the baby. But you can facilitate as much contact with your family as possible for, oh let’s say, the next five years while it’s *her turn* to get to decide where you two live.
Your marriage isn’t “solid as a rock” if she prefers her family over you and would rather raise your child with her family instead of you.
If you want to stay with her, you better go to marriage counseling with her STAT.
And find a job in Chicago.
But it sounds your family and Florida is more important than her. Just like her family is more important than you.
If Florida is more important, stay in Florida, pay child support, and see your kid in summers and holidays when you fly to Chicago. Or sign away parental rights.
Why do you have to live in the suburbs and commute to downtown? Several million of us live in the city and just hop on a train to get downtown.
Also, if I were facing the prospect of raising a child in Florida I’d be freaking out too.
Why don’t you put yourself in her shoes and move to Chicago for 5 years.
Also, if she’s that close to her family, as similar to me, I’d want to be near them too during my pregnancy for support. My mother and sister helped me So so so much for my pregnancies and I wouldn’t take that for ever granted.
A son is a son til he takes his wife…maybe give her what she wants for a while since it sounds like she’s done that for you and then revisit this if you aren’t happy there in about 5 years time.
would like to raise a family locally and near my parents.
so you understand why she wants to be close to hers right? pregnancy is scary and hard, she has a right to want to be with her family especially if she doesn’t get along with yours. its not fair to want the same thing she does and assumed your want is more important.
So you go to Chicago for work often and have family there? So why not flip it the other way around and live in Chicago and go to Lauderdale for work and visits? There’s something about being near your mom when you’re pregnant that makes you feel a little less terrified about having your hoo-haa possibly ripped apart during birth.
You’re only looking to work in Fort Lauderdale so how’s that fair to her? At some point compromise is the best solution, that way each of you gets some of what you want. Pick someplace in between. Pick a smaller city in Illinois. Move your parents with you. There are plenty of options for compromise.
You’re asking her to be the only one who compromises, why should it only be her? She is going to be looking for work and supporting your family as well but you expect her to follow you around like she’s a 1950’s housewife you’ve trapped with pregnancy? Think outside the box and come up with solutions.
If neither of you are willing to compromise then I don’t see this working out. Best get used to visiting your kid in Chicago in that event.
You can stick to your pre married living arrangements. If that’s a deal breaker for you she’s okay with it. She’s applying to jobs that show you she’s okay with your dealbreaker. She also said having the baby means she “can’t leave you and pursue other people.” Your marriage is over. She wants someone that’s NOT you.
If you want to keep your wife I suggest you get your head outta your ass. Your wife is OBVIOUSLY not your first priority. It’s your extended family and your business. Again, to be fair, you told her before you’d never leave. She has been hoping you’d change your mind. Asking you to change your mind. Begging you to change your mind. And since you won’t, well, she’ll go be happy without you in Chicago with someone who considers her needs.
You could not pay me five million dollars to carry a pregnancy to term or *raise a child* in Florida. This is insane. And yes she should be near her support system, and judging by how you called her voicing desire to do so a “temper tantrum”, it seems she does not view you as part of that support system.
Why is it more important for you to be near your family than it is for her to be close to hers? Why is her desire to be close to her support system being dismissed as a temper tantrum? That’s very condescending. I understand the sting of losing the practice you have established in Florida, but that can be rebuilt; your wife doesn’t get a redo of her pregnancy experience. As someone who has been pregnant, I can say that pregnant women simply don’t have time/energy/tolerance for anything getting in the way of what they need to do to care for themselves and get ready. Since you’ve already shown an unwillingness to put her needs first, despite her pregnancy, I understand her urgency in finding a job and establishing a home closer to her support system with or without you.
It’s interesting how you don’t think it’s unfair your wife has to sacrifice everything though. Anyone heard of compromise?
Get the heck out of Fl with a pregnant wife holy shit.
“besides this were solid as a rock ”
Besides the iceberg, the Titanic was a great voyage.
I think this is an insurmountable problem. Honestly, I think your wife is going to head to Chicago to have this baby and never come back.
Your choices may be limited here. Either work out a compromise that has your family moving to Chicago with you, or one where you will be seeing your child during their summer vacations. ( And I suspect that even if you do move to Chicago your relationship will continue to be on shaky ground.)
Look, even if it was clear when you got married that you were both setting in Florida, it’s also been clear that she’s been telling you for five years she’s unhappy there. I don’t know if she “tried” to make it work, but it’s not fair to continue to be unhappy. Not if you actually love her.
Most of us are going to side with the pregnant chick that who is a thousand miles from her support system. She’s sacrificed enough for you. Your family isnt her family no matter how nice they’ve been. She wants to be with her family now.
She is sacrificing for you and her body for this family
So because you’re not getting the responses you want, you’re just not gonna answer anyone on here.Your wife is gonna leave you and you’re going to end up in shitty ass florida by yourself.