Are you wondering if you’re wrong for declining to accompany your sister on wedding dress shopping? #WeddingDressShopping #SisterRelationships #FamilyIssues
Hey there! So my sister Hannah invited me to go wedding dress shopping with her as a way to improve our relationship. However, our history has been quite rough, especially when it comes to appearances. Here’s why I declined and Hannah’s reaction. What do you think? #FamilyDrama #WeightIssues #WeddingPreparations
**The Backstory**
– Childhood Struggles with Weight
– Turning Point with Surgery
– Sister’s Jealousy with Weight Loss
**The Current Dilemma**
– Recent Hurtful Comments
– Sister’s Invitations for a Fresh Start
– My Reasons for Declining
**Your Thoughts?**
Was I wrong for my decision? How would you handle a situation like this? Let’s talk! #WeddingPlanning #SisterlyLove #RelationshipStruggles
NTA
>But she hated that I “brought up the past when it’s in the past” and she told me this is the fresh start she’s offering me
The classic line all abusive people use when they don’t want to own their cruelty and how it impacted the people they belittled and demeaned.
NTA – Inviting you dress shopping isn’t an olive branch.
I am guessing its one of a few possible scenarios – she doesn’t have enough people in her life to make dress shopping the experience she wants and you would simply be there as space filler. She has friends/future in-laws that will think it is weird if you aren’t there because she has lied to them about what a close relationship she has with her sister. There is a family member that is withholding financial support for the wedding because of how she treats you and she needs to prove that you “forgive” her in order for her to get the money she wants.
You are not obligated to have a relationship with your sister. Even if she 100% had changed and sincerely apologized for how she has treated you (and this is not that) – as T Swift says: you don’t have to forgive and you don’t have to forget.
No —that is not how it works.I understand pathologically jealous siblings.Hannah has not tried to drown or stab you but she might if she could get away with it.Retail therapy is for the individual — not to heal Sibling relationships.If Hannah really wanted things to be better she would go to Therapy and work on WHY she feels the way she does.Then she would offer a Heartfelt apology.Not call OP names because OP will not do her bidding.
NTA OP.Be willing to miss the Wedding to stay sane.But send a gift
NTA. Sounds like she’s always been toxic and mean to you. People can apologize, but they aren’t entitled to someone’s forgiveness and relationship after treating them poorly for years. My brother struggled with his weight too growing up and I can’t imagine mocking him for that. What she put you through was traumatic and you’re not a bad person if you just don’t want a relationship with her.
NTA
“She says she wants this to be the start of a better relationship between us and she wants me by her side for this process because she trusts me.” … How convenient for HER: She “extends an olive branch” when it will be a lot of work for you – and your gesture will likely be to pay for her dress. And for some other things for her wedding, and it will be a lot of work.
“I don’t want to go with her” Seems reasonable. Tell her: You will come to the wedding as a regular guest, but you will LOVE to grow closer – before or after the wedding – over coffee or dinner.
Nta. You’re right to notice that dress shopping is very close to your past issues and wouldn’t be fun for you. If she really wants to extend the olive branch she’ll invite you to something less related to size and appearance.
Sounds like your sister is going to use that “olive branch” to smack you with. NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t go near your sister, talk less of going dress shopping with her. It’s not worth it
Nta she does not get to decide how you feel about her treatment of you in the past. The fact that she would not accept you saying no and continued to say nasty things to you just proves she has not changed. Stand your ground. She is treating you the same now as in the past. Nothing changed. Why should you bow down to her demands now. Sounds like she is using you for something and is just not telling you. Stay polite and low contact. Just say no. You do not have to give a reason. No is a complete sentence. Stick to just saying no and if she is rude tell her this is why and walk away.
It’s a trap!!!!!!! She is planning to destroy your self esteem likes she’s done in the past. Burn her olive branch.
I don’t know do they make wedding dresses in Hippo sizing? You could recommend it to her?
NTA and besides all else…why is she getting married when it is obvious she is still a child, given her awfulness to you (and who knows who else).
I’m low-end plus size and have struggled with my weight all my life. I absolutely understand WHY your sister would feel some jealousy even if logically you suffered from a medical problem for years and no one believed you and no one should be jealous of that.
BUT…that jealousy is HER problem to deal with, and she instead made it your problem, or tried to.
Nothing you’ve said suggests that she’s tried to make any actual amends, but even if she *had* properly apologized, you *STILL* wouldn’t owe her an attempt at a “fresh start” now or ever. (Given her reaction, I’m skeptical that it’s what she’s really angling for anyway.)
NTA.
Perpetrators of terrible behavior at others’ expense are the same people who expect everyone to just get over it, its old news or “its in the past,” which it is. Their past, not yours. NTA but your sis is a piece of work, to be sure.
It’s not in the past for you. Three months ago is hardly the past for anybody. NTA. I wouldn’t do it, either.
NTA
She doesn’t get to decide the terms of the “olive branch.” If she truly wanted to start a better relationship with you, she’d suggest spending time doing something that you both wanted to do.
The fact that she’s insistent when it comes to dress shopping isn’t a coincidence. I wouldn’t be surprised if she asks you to be her bridesmaids and springs a few dresses on you if you go ahead with this.
Controlling behaviours sounds like it would be right out of her playbook
NTA – An olive branch extended without an apology to go with it is an empty gesture. I agree with someone else that this is probably something she is doing for the sake of appearance. If her future in-laws are there, she likely doesn’t want to explain why you aren’t involved.
nta. this is not an olive branch, it’s not a fresh start, and some shit that happened three months ago is not some long ago event you should be over.
i’m proud of you for not going just to say awful shit about her in her wedding dress, which is something i would be very tempted to do.
as for hannah, if she wants to repair your relationship, she can start with apologizing and go from there. right now she’s being just as awful to you as she always has been.
you’re not being selfish, you’re not any of the names she called you, you are acting according to the relationship you have, and responding to how she has behaved in the past, and continues to behave today. ie badly. she’s behaving badly.
(and if she tries to make you a bridesmaid and put you in some awful dress, you stop that shit in its tracks. we do that for besties who genuinely think that dress is gorgeous, not insecure hateful sisters who will take any opportunity to make us look bad.)
NTA. You can always decline to be around people who make you feel badly, and people don’t always deserve another chance. If you wouldn’t be friends with her if she weren’t your sister, don’t spend your limited time on earth with her.
NTA 3 months is not “the past”. Calling something from THIS year the past is just plain stupid. She has a reason she wants you their that she isnt telling you
>She told me to stop being a dick, stop being selfish and to give us a chance or else I’m an asshole.
NTA.
She can’t even extend an olive branch without being a dick herself. Basically saying you need to succumb to her wants and if you don’t, she’ll continue being a dick to you. So, nothing really changes.
Don’t go.
NTA.
That doesn’t sound like an olive branch. That sounds like a setup for more abuse.
NTA. 3 months ago isn’t “in the past”, it was yesterday essentially.
Oh, good god, no. She’s itching to get you into a situation where she can body shame/hate you or whatever she’ll be into this time. The only way you’ll ever know she sincerely wants a fresh start is if she admits how abusive she was of you over the years and apologizes for it. Then and only then can you take some baby steps and hope she can stick to it.
But this … this reeks of a setup. It’s like she’s reading from the handbook, for crying out loud.
You’re definitely NTA, and you’re doing a great job protecting yourself.
NTA
a thorn bush disguised as an olive branch
Op why are you even going to her wedding. Wait until you and she have children and sister dear starts comparing them
NTA, she has not even apologized for the bully you went through, honestly you dodged a bullet because going dress shopping would be a pain time
Say no thank you and ask her for a less emotionally charged olive branch.
NTA
Even with this “olive branch”, she is still being insanely rude to you which is all you need to know about her intent. Heck, I’d even bet she wants you there so she can guilt you into paying some of her dress.
There is nothing wrong with simply telling her that out of all the opinions she’s ever had about you, you are more than comfortable for her to consider you an asshole. You’ll take it.
“Let’s try to make it a whole year where you don’t shit on my appearance, and then I will THINK about giving you that fresh start.”
Her: “I’ve changed! This is a fresh start!”
Also her: “Stop being a dick! Stop being selfish! You’re an asshole!”
Yeah, sure seems like she’s exactly the same, even without having gone dress shopping yet. NTA.
NTA- but if you want to be super petty you could go and every dress she tries on ask “hey do you have this in a smaller size? I might try it on since i’m here”.
Being called a selfish dick and an asshole would definitely make me forgive all past wrongs and want to spend a lot more time with someone.
NTA. Some thing like:
If you really want to build a genuine relationship with me you need to respect that there are somethings I’m uncomfortable with.
You comment on my size, and I hate it. I realize you have a different opinion about size, but your comments make me uncomfortable.
I am not interested in discussing the comments, or hearing further opinions on that.
There has to be give from both sides.
Let’s find something we are both comfortable with, or admit that we are just different people.
NTA. I cannot imagine the Wedding Dress Shopping Trip being anything other than excruciating- she sounds like a poisonous nightmare.
NTA. She has NEVER apologized, right? EVERY clothes shopping experience with her has been negative, right? Tell her you would be happy to meet to talk over a coffee to start to repair your relationship,
However the fact that she has NEVER apologized, she makes the fact that you don’t want to spend time with her YOUR issue, and she is being so rude about it makes you not want to take this opportunity with her.
NTA.
I would say: You have been a dick for year, so why do I suddenly need to stop? You have been selfish for years, not caring about my feelings, what has changed now? If you want me to give you a chance, what have you done to earn that chance?
And for the record, you aren’t a dick, you aren’t selfish, and you aren’t an AH. I’m sorry you struggled, not with your weight, but with the people around you not listening to you about your health, and for your sister making your body and your health a point of mocking. You didn’t deserve it and you still don’t.
It sounds like your sister has never apologized, and you are also right to think she isn’t suddenly going to stop. So you have two paths.
1. Don’t go. Tell your sister calmly that you are happy to work on your relationship, but she hasn’t apologized for what she has said to you even 3 months ago, so you two have a lot of work to do and her dress shopping isn’t the place to test this, particularly because you don’t want to create issues during an important day for her. Stick with this and don’t go, and repeat it to anyone who gives you a hard time.
2. Go shopping, but with some key support. First, is there anyone who is also going that you can lean on and trust? If so, you could speak to them in advance (mom, cousin, whatever) and just tell them this story but say you do want to believe this could be a turning point and you need them to sit with you and help call out/diffuse any bad behavior. If it is just you and your sister, DO NOT go. But if it is a group and even if you don’t have a trusted person going with you, then you can still go. The key here is to emotionally prepare yourself for the comments, realize if and when a comment is made you will not get upset or strike back, you will just get the confirmation that you need that your sister isn’t genuine about a relationship. This can actually be very freeing because you will know you have tried and gave it one last shot.
Now the most important part of the second option, or a future time where you two are together, is to have some ammunition ready for comments. You don’t need to be mean back, but my guess is that if your sister sees your comments don’t bother her, she will have a little breakdown- fun- and also she will stop. Here are some suggestions:
1. Ya, I know, super tiny, I’ve come a long way from “Hallie the Hippo” right!
2. Smaller every time? I guess that means pretty soon I’ll fit in your pocket!
3. I know right, and I had a cheeseburger for lunch too!
4. I do feel pretty great, thank you for noticing!
Yes, I know you may be too tiny and have related health stuff you are sorting through. But your sister isn’t a safe person, so the best approach is to brush her off. Keep that smile plastered on your face, keep it light and calm, and take her words as compliments. It will drive her insane, and that will feed your soul!
I just wouldn’t answer her again. Inform your parents about her recent behaviour and her now demand, which you respectfully declined and only politely justified when she became pushy.
I would go nuclear if she uses your refusal as another stick to beat you with, especially if she involves extended family as her means to bully you.
By nuclear, I would outline to *everyone* how your own sister bullies you over your medical condition, and is yet again acting like a mean girl by using her position as “The Bride” to force *her* views and demands on you.
NTA
NTA and I’m just over here laughing at her ridiculousness.
* Hannah: Come dress shopping with me.
* OP: No, you get angry and berate me and make me feel bad.
* Hannah: Stop being a dick, stop being selfish and give us a chance, you Asshole!
* OP: Oh, well when you’ve already started the name calling and berating me, sure, NOW I want to go.
SMH
So, so, NTA. Stand firm, OP. Don’t go shopping with your AH sister.
NTA – she wants to bring you dress shopping so you’ll be obligated to spend the day telling her how pretty she looks. That’s the relationship she wants from you – one where you shower her with praise so she doesn’t have to reflect on her actual feelings about weight, health, or her own body.
I love that she gave you an ultimatum and then claimed if you didn’t cave to her demands that somehow that makes you an AH. Nope she’s wrong. She’s been the AH all along and is still the AH. Don’t go. If she asks again, tell her you’re not interested in doing anything with her that involves discussing appearances or your respective bodies and dress shopping definitely does that. The answer is no and you’ll not be discussing it again. This is the result of her entire life of bad behavior.
NTA