#FamilyDrama #FinancialIssues #HelpingFamily #PersonalBoundaries
Hey there,
Let me start by saying that you are definitely not the a-hole in this situation. It’s completely understandable to be hesitant to help someone who has continuously let you down, especially when it comes to something as important as your hard-earned money and a long-awaited vacation. It can be tough to navigate the murky waters of family drama, but setting boundaries and taking care of yourself is essential for your own well-being.
Here are some thoughts to consider as you contemplate your next steps:
### Understanding Your Feelings
It’s clear that your relationship with your father has been strained due to his actions and choices. You’ve invested a lot of time, effort, and money into supporting him, only to be let down multiple times. It’s natural to feel a mix of emotions – love, resentment, guilt, and confusion.
### Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries in any relationship, especially with family, is crucial for maintaining your mental health and emotional well-being. It’s important to communicate your needs and limitations clearly and assertively. Helping your father doesn’t mean sacrificing your own happiness and stability.
### Considering Your Options
While it’s tough to see a loved one struggle, it’s also essential to prioritize your own needs and boundaries. You have the right to take a step back and evaluate what is best for you in this situation. You could consider alternative forms of support for your father, such as connecting him with local resources or organizations that can assist him.
### Seeking Support
Talking to friends, trusted family members, or a therapist can help you process your feelings and make informed decisions. Sometimes, an outside perspective can provide clarity and guidance in navigating complex family dynamics. Remember, it’s okay to seek support and take care of yourself during difficult times.
### Moving Forward
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to help your father is yours to make. You may need time to reflect, weigh your options, and decide what aligns with your values and boundaries. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and make choices that feel right for you.
In conclusion, navigating challenging family situations can be emotionally taxing and require careful consideration. Remember that you are not alone and that it’s okay to prioritize your own needs and boundaries. Take the time to reflect, seek support, and make choices that align with your values and well-being.
I hope this advice helps you navigate this tough situation. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize yourself and set boundaries, even in family relationships. Take care of yourself, and know that your feelings and decisions are valid.
NTA. You were all victims of his addiction, it just took longer for you to stop helping him. Just because you stuck by your father longer than they did doesn’t make you the automatic default to be the one to go back and help him.
Sounds like your brothers got the best of both worlds- not having to deal with your dad while knowing you were still helping him. Do not sacrifice yourself again.
Ask your brothers why they are not willing to forgive or forget when it comes to their dad? Your brothers can step up to help you with your dad. It’s all of you or no one.
NTA. Dad took your money and Blew it instead of giving it back when you NEEDED it. Tell your brothers how much you gave and helped your Dad before (did they ever help him?), it is their turn now. Especially when your savings are now gone thanks to Dad.
Dad will never change as long as people keep bailing him out of the holes his bad behavior and absurd spending put him into. If you let him become homeless or otherwise suffer for a while, perhaps that will inspire a behavior change.
NTA
Your dad burned his last bridge. I understand why you can’t forgive him.
I’m sorry you didn’t have a better dad 🙁
NTA. You’re going to have to tighten up and get over the delusions you convinced yourself of about this junkie in your youth. Or just accept that you’ll spend the rest of his life caring for him, at the total expense of your own – something you’ve now gotten just a small taste of.
NTA – but the ruined trip was just the straw that broke the camels back. Your dad effed around and got found out. He will just have to deal with the fallout.
NTA. Get your siblings to take on the task of looking after him if they’re getting all funny with you about it, you’ve already done enough.
Who’s to say that all those problems (the women and the drugs and needing money) won’t occur again if you let him under your roof? Could you deal with the fallout?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that he still hasn’t paid you back.
You’ve already spent thousands subsidizing his bad decisions and bailing him out. Time for someone else to take a turn IMO.
I’m sure you know this, but even if most people aren’t as toxic as your dad:
Never loan money you can’t afford to lose.
NTA but never loan money to friends or family with the expectation of repayment unless you have a written agreement tbh, saves everybody a lot of stress & resentment
NTA Not paying back a loan is theft. He stole from you. It isn’t only about the trip. I imagine he will steal from you again if he can.
NTA – your dad abandoned you a long time ago, especially your late teens when you were required to earn money to keep everything going. A job that was his.
He’s used you, leaned on you, borrowed from you, taken advantage of you. Every single time he’s had the chance to pick you or your family, he’s picked himself with his addictions, the drugs, the women.
Yet, you continued to try and help him recover. The one moment where you really needed him, to just spend a tiny bit of his money on you — after you helped him out and gave him all your money — he again selfishly picked himself and his “desires” when you “needed” him.
Maybe at the start, when you were really little, he seemed like a really fun dad — but has he ever put anyone else’s needs before himself?
You owe him nothing. Your brothers are being manipulative assholes by trying to coerce you out of emotional guilt to do something that they themselves don’t want to do. That’s just sick.
Listen. You’ve put everyone before your own needs for a long time. You sound like you really have your act together and you have a big heart. You’re young so one of the healthy things you need to remember is boundaries. What everyone is asking of you is unfair – and they all want you to do it for their own benefit.
You’re allowed to choose you. To pick the safe route. If you don’t want to invite a dying, addict with a terrible lifestyle and no remorse into your home – that’s a healthy choice for you. And that’s your right.
Please say no. You’re done sacrificing yourself for people who don’t deserve it and never reciprocate. You may feel regret that your father’s choices have caught up to him, but you have nothing to feel guilty for. And the resentment, anxiety and disruption you will feel if you sacrifice yourself again for this man – will be a hundred times worse than if you simply choose your own wellbeing and say no.
NTA
>he DID raise me
That’s what parents are OBLIGED to do.
NTA. He earned you cutting him off
NTA
Are you the youngest sibling? How did you end up spending so much time with your dad when every other person, your mom and older siblings, knew how toxic he was? Even if you were his golden child, the one he favored and didn’t abuse like the rest of his family, why weren’t you shielded from his toxic influence once your parents split?
Whatever brought you to this pass, you were a child in this relationship. You were dependent on your parents for the support and supervision you needed. Clinging to safest spaces during family discord and upheaval is instinctual. The choices you had to make were made by a child. You were not agreeing to a long term encumbrance nor even a contract.
IMHO at 23 you are barely out of adolescence and just beginning to establish your adult identity and lifestyle. You aren’t obligated nor equipped to become your parent’s caretaker. You are just finding your way, as your mother and brothers did before you, in their time.
It seems manipulative, and frankly abusive, for your mom and siblings to react to this crisis by deflecting blame, responsibility, obligation and sacrifice onto you and you alone. That’s a huge red flag right there.
There are social services where your dad is. They can help him transition to a care home if no one else can do it.
Honestly, Whether or not you’re an ahole does not even factor into this.
It’s not about what he has or hasn’t done or what he deserves. The only thing you are responsible for is what you deserve. You have to make the decision.That’s right for you regardless of what everyone else thinks.
What decision can you live with once it’s too late to make one?
Because at the end of the day no matter what you decide you have to live with yourself. Are you comfortable with the decision to take no further part? Are there different levels you could contribute if you felt the need?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself.No one else can help you with the answers.
Crap fathers are tough. And even when we love them and have a million good memories of them they can still be crap fathers. Both things at once are possible.
At the end of the day you are the one that has to live with your decision for the rest of your life. No matter what you choose nta.
NTA. Your last sentence says everything. Help because it’ll break your heart if you don’t. You would not have posted this if you were really sure about your decision.
NTA he spent your money on hookers.
Lret your brothers help him.
Nope. Tell your siblings to do it since they are so confident it’s the right thing to do.
Your father did you wrong. He spent money he owed you, while you were in a tight spot financially, on prostitutes.
I’d never talk to him again. And go LC on the flying monkeys so they can’t emotionally blackmail you.
NTA. You have a good heart, and your father took advantage of that. You’ve done your time and paid your dues. Now it’s time for your suddenly-interested siblings to have good hearts, be taken advantage of, do their time, and pay their dues. You’ve more than earned a break from this circus.
NTA
You don’t owe him anything.
NTA He raised you? Sounds like you raised yourself. He got you your first job? Of course he did, he wanted you to pay bills so he could spend his money on drugs and prostitutes. It’s more than just the trip, it’s all the disrespect he’s shown you over the years. If brothers are so worried about him then they can take care of him.
NTA. Do not even entertain the idea of helping this person until he pays you back with interest
NTA obviously. You can do what you want and still not be one. But, if the thought of him in a homeless shelter makes you want to cry as you said, it might be worth considering. Of course there would have to be strict conditions and if he breaks one of them then he is out. It’s your choice man. You are a kind soul regardless. Good luck.
NTA. Tell your dad to watch what he says and you will reconsider that you will send him to nursing home. Unless your brothers have to take care of him. Sweet rue.
Homeless or not, you have your brothers and their money! Tell them to pay him instead. Why it’s always you?
NTA
YTA for saying “loose women” in 2024. What the hell lol
NTA you owe him nothing
Tell your brothers that you are happy to give the same amount of help to your father as they do. That will shut them up.
NTA.
I don’t think you’ve cut him off because of a trip but rather the fact you’ve had to parent him when he should have been looking after you.
If he hasn’t got the money of George Best he shouldn’t be following his spending philosophy.
If your siblings are so keen to have him move in with one of you they are very welcome to pick up the responsibility. Or, you can go all collegiate and set up a shared pot of money to contribute into so you are all helping. NTA
NTA if you don’t host him. But,
>
I **assumed** he would pay me back because he made good money and at the time, I could afford it.
No no no. Don’t assume. It’s a bad idea in general, especially with a father as you describe him.