Is it wrong for me to be honest with my friends about not wanting to join a weekend trip where the main topic of discussion is marriage and babies? #FriendshipDilemma #HonestyIsTheBestPolicy #GirlsWeekend #LifeStages #Relationships #PersonalBoundaries
NTA.
Interests and friendships diverge. The truly meaningful friendships are those that you can pick up in seconds after not seeing one another for years
NTA and unfortunately friendships change – I think being truthful can hurt others but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said. It’s your truth and it sounds like you have expensive friends who expect a lot and I’m not sure if you’re actually getting anything back for it.
NTA. You went about this very diplomatically. You’re happy for them, but, since you’re not at the same stage, feigning excitement over someone’s breast milk is a bit much. I think she heard what you said but didn’t really listen.
NTA you are in a different stage of life then the rest of the group, and listening to the same topic repeatedly can be exhausting
NTA. We all change as we get older. You naturally drift apart from some friends, especially if their lifestyle changes dramatically (think married with children, in particular). I wouldn’t want to spend a lot of money to spend 3 days with a group that had such dis-similar interests. And I don’t think it was wrong to be truthful when your friend asked you why you wouldn’t go.
NTA…
NAH – Your friend asked a question, and you answered truthfully. It’s not your fault that she found it offensive that you weren’t interested in what she’s interested in. It’s just the reality of friendships: people grow and change. Your interests don’t align with those of that friend group anymore, and that’s okay. However, you should consider why you’re continuing to spend time with these people if you don’t actually enjoy spending time with them. I know you’ve known each other for 8 years, but that doesn’t mean you need to continue these relationships that are no longer enjoyable for you.
NTA and what you are experiencing at 27 is what a lot of the rest of us have also experienced. Lives change and all of a sudden, some of our friends don’t have much in common with us anymore. I’ve casually drifted from friends because all they could talk about was diapers or insist on bringing their kid to an outing. That’s just not my thing.
NTA I am married. I have two children and I wouldn’t want to listen to people talking about engagements, upcoming weddings, marriages, babies and breastfeeding for three days either.
NTA. I wouldn’t want to go either.
NTA and I fully support you. It’s really hard to maintain friendships like this when only things that are sort of centered around “men” marriage/dating/kids…. I have decentered men and have a hard time holding relationships with people that can only discuss men/babies… ect. I know there’s a way to balance it all but so far I’ve struggled to find it. I have hobbies, goals, special interests besides dating… I’d like to connect with people on a real level… it’s just hard to find. I think you did the right thing OP trying to explain this to your friend and it’s unfortunate that rather than seeing that you might have a point and trying to make an effort to make you more included she went the “why can’t you just be happy for me” route when clearly that is not at all what you were saying. She’s used to things being about her at this point though and likely she’s not in a hurry to share the limelight…. :/ and also you’ll likely be demonized at the gathering even though you had the best intentions in sharing with your friend… they will probably try to label you as cold, bitter, jealous…. Whatever simply because of your reluctance to hear about Janet’s shitty boyfriend who doesn’t pick up his socks but she won’t leave because ‘she loves him’ and the benefits of breastfeeding vs bottle feeding for the umpteenth time. Friendships have seasons… and the sun may just be setting for you on this group. Sorry OP
NTA. Jesus Christ!
NTA. I am a mom and those friends sound exhausting. We complain about kids, but we also know how to have a girls night out and just enjoy being kid/spouse free for the night. It sounds like you guys are at different points in your life, and the friendship has run its natural course, at least for the physical get togethers. Maybe still salvageable for the text message updates throughout the months.
NTA because the real issue here is different from how it seems.
On the surface this seems like it’s just about engagements, weddings and babies. You go out of your way to be constantly supportive of them. However they don’t reciprocate that for you. They can’t relate to anything or want to relate to anything outside of their lives.
It would sort of be like if you just won an award but all they talked about was the pie they just ate that morning.
NAH
But, I’m not surprised your truth is being poorly received.
You are correct, you are simply on two different life paths right now.
I don’t blame you a bit, but it will likely hurt your relationships.
Your friend is wrong to be ‘hurt’ – you are currently at different places in your lives. For a single woman, listening to ‘baby and preggers’ talk can be infintely boring….for ‘married with children’ stories of the dating life can be boring. Best to limit your excuse to finances…they can’t argue with that…or with work obligations, whatever. Go to the baby shower and enjoy.
NTA. I’ve experienced this too — once people get married and have kids they seem to magically forget that not everyone else’s worlds revolve around the same things. You’re being a good friend by attending and caring about their life events, they should be showing interest and supporting you in your life events too — even if those aren’t a husband and children.
NTA
I have the same problem, lol. Im 48, single and no kids, and I just cannot relate with people my age. I work a lot, gym, and have a drink now and then with friends but I feel you. Whenever I find myself in a situation where it’s my age women, it’s all about marriage, kids and school, etc.
NTA. I am childfree and wouldn’t want to sit and listen to baby talk either. I don’t really talk to the people I used to call friends because we just simply chose different life paths. They got married and had kids and I didn’t. We have nothing in common anymore.
NTA. No offense, but it sounds like your friends lost themselves in relationships and motherhood. Of course those are important things, but if it’s to the point where it’s all they have to talk about and care about I would distance myself too.
NTA
NTA, things like this are why I try to keep my friend group child free
NTA, and realistically how are you supposed to fulfill your own travel plans outside of this friend group with all of the milestone celebration travel expectations?
NTA you did your best to be respectful while declining. Hopefully we can blame your friend incredibly un-generous interpretation of your reasoning on their pregnancy hormones. Everyone else calling you the asshole clearly expect to be emotionally coddled, so just ignore them.
Edited to make wording more clear
NTA. She asked for your rationale and you gave it to her. She is the AH for IMMEDIATELY getting defensive and accusing you of not caring about your friends.
I would reconsider these friendships. They seem all one way, with you giving and them taking.
NTA and I am on the same page as you. It sucks.
NTA, Also, can I hang out with you?
NTA – it’s a reasonable thing to not want to go to, time is precious and listening to schrodinger’s breast milk would not be of interest to me either.
NTA. Talking to your friends about how you are in different life stages and how they will talk for hours about where they are without listening to you is a perfectly legitimate reason why you won’t want to pay to be locked in the house with them for several days..
NTA but you could have left the boring part out. I get being honest with friends you’ve had for a long time but I wouldn’t have been SO honest
NTA. I’ve been there, OP. I have several sisters, all of whom married and had children and who monopolized all family gatherings for 20+ years with talk of their engagements, weddings, marriages, children, etc. Meanwhile I am unmarried, no kids, working full time. No one ever asked about my job or friends or community involvements. I have been very interested in them and my nieces and nephews. Genuinely. But I’m sad that my life has held little interest for them all this time and they rarely felt the need to reciprocate time and attention.
Hang in there, OP, and cultivate friends with a wide variety of lifestyles and stages, and engage with different ages and seasons of friends. It helps a lot.
NTA. I hope you said the exact sentence “it’s a really expensive way for me to feel bad about myself”.
I’m sad that your friend is so self focused they can’t see there’s a difference between being happy for someone and wanting to talk all about their thing with no regard to your interests. I am sad for women like these who don’t prioritize their actual friendships.
NTA. You told her you’re excited for their lives. You’re clearly involved in their lives going to the showered and weddings and such. And those events also cost money (for you and them).
People in relationships and with kids don’t see how they treat those who don’t have them. They love to talk about how their friends dropped them when they had a kid, when it’s just as likely that their kid became their only focus and talking point. And that’s fine and to be expected. The same thing happens a lot with people in relationships.
Not everyone wants to have kids and get married or so so at the same rate. I sure as heck wouldn’t want to spend a lot of money to go on a trip if those are the only topics.
From what you said you were polite in declining. If they’re hurt it’s on them.
NTA. Your friends sound very male-identified and that sucks and is boring to be around. I’m married to a man but I have interests and a life outside of him and I don’t need to center him or our marriage in my conversations with other women.
This is why it’s so difficult to maintain long term relationships. People mature and grow at different rates, with different life events, and suddenly you find you have nothing in common with friends you once considered close.
Sorry they seem to not understand but you are doing what is right for you.
OP: I’m happy for everyone, but feel ignored.
Friend: Why aren’t you happy for me??
NTA. Your friends are only focused on their own wants and needs, so do the same.
It sounds like you and your friends are growing apart.
NTA
And that your friend made your non-attendance about her and her feelings (again?!) really shows the deeper dynamic of them simply not being that interested in you as a person, which wouldn’t necessarily change even if you did show up married w a baby
Info – how does one breastfeed with a vengeance?
NTA
Rereading her take away from your conversation, she didn’t hear you. She focused on you not being happy for them, versus how they are making you feel. It even sounds like you might have tried to make her feel better.
If you talk again, try to get her to tell you what you said. Not what she feels you said or how she took it. Give her a chance to put herself in your shoes. See if she can. If the group can’t, don’t let them guilt you into keeping things the way they are: you giving and not being considered. No accepting tickets for guilt trips. Anything you do is done because you want to, not because you always have.
Start focusing on those who could be your friends moving forward.