Hey there, guys and gals! So, here’s the scoop – I’ve been with my boyfriend for a whopping 10 years now. Yep, a whole decade! We’re like two peas in a pod, have fun together, share similar values, and are basically relationship goals. But here’s the kicker – he’s not ready to put a ring on it… yet.
He’s got all these reasons – money, finishing his never-ending bachelor’s degree, and the list goes on. I’ve made it clear that I want to tie the knot someday, but he’s not exactly jumping at the chance. We’ve had our fair share of talks about it (cue the tears), but it always ends in a stalemate.
Seeing my friends getting hitched while I’m here twiddling my thumbs has got me feeling all kinds of ways. Am I being too pushy for wanting to be his Mrs.? Should I just accept that marriage might not be in the cards for us?
So, dear internet fam, what’s the verdict? Should I pack my bags and leave or stick around and hope for the best? Let’s dive into this juicy dilemma together! 💬✨
#HelpASisterOut 💁♀️ #ToMarryOrNotToMarry 🤔 #DecisionsDecisions 🤷♀️
You should get serious and find a time to sit down with him and discuss what each of you expect for marriage. That can include timeline expectations, engagement, wedding, and what marriage even means to both of you.
If you find out that your expectations and relationship goals don’t align with his, and he’s either unable to help you identify a middle ground solution that can work for both of you, or is unwilling to put in that effort, then I’m afraid you’re in a relationship that isn’t meeting your standards.
> He has told me over and over again that he doesn’t want to marry me… yet. His reason being that he doesn’t have a lot of money right now (we both work and get by quite ok) or that he first wants to finish his bachelor study (which he also has been studying for the past 10 years with currently no end in sight)
Girl, next it will be after humans finally land on Mars. He is just stringing you along. You should leave since marriage is what you want.
He doesn’t want to marry you. I think the “yet” is bullshit. It sucks, because if he doesn’t care about marriage he could just do it for you. But he’s basically left you with a take it or leave it situation.
Red flags for me are 1) he knows marriage in general is important to you but won’t be pinned down, 2) ten years to get a BA/BS is a lot…does he have a tendency to just drift in life, and 3) the varying answers he gives you don’t inspire confidence.
Basically: can you keep going as things are? Then, fine! Marriage is just a piece of paper and you’re happy. If not, then move on now. He’s had plenty of time to step up & show you he’s going to be there for you in the way you want, and he hasn’t. Maybe he’ll wake up if you’re gone, but you probably need to look elsewhere.
If marriage is important to you then it is time to move on. If he’s not ready after 10 years he doesn’t want to do it.
Start looking for your own flat and planning to move out. Don’t renew the lease with him when that comes up. (Don’t tell him until it’s necessary)
Mourn the death of the most important non-family relationship in your life.
Also, he may want kids. In the back of his mind the fact that you don’t might bother him. He may never admit this to you.
Ten years of waiting while he finishes a bachelor degree – OP most people finish in four years.
He isn’t going to get married OP as there is zero reason for him to get married. He’s very comfortable with the relationship status “as is”.
If you are interested in getting married, stop wasting time with this fellow as it will never happen.
He’ll waste your youth if you let him. Stop auditioning for the part of wife. He’s not casting that show.
You have to decide which is more important to you. Marriage or your boyfriend.
There is no wrong answer.
If it is marriage, leave him.
If it is him, accept that you will never be married and let go of the marriage dream.
You are just torturing yourself, hoping that you will get both. That you will somehow find the right words and he will suddenly be excited to marry you. It ain’t gonna happen.
Therapy might help you make the decision.
If you guys have been together 10 years and are now in your 30s, he would have married you by now if he wanted to marry you. He doesn’t want to marry you, and ime in a relationship of more than a few years or a relationship involving children where marriage hasn’t happened there’s a compelling reason in at least one partner’s mind that makes them think their partner is not someone they should be married to. Otherwise he would have married you well before now. Unfortunately rather than being honest about that he’s choosing to string you along to keep the status quo.
You need to base your actions on the relationship as it actually is, not the relationship you wish you had. For 10 years, he’s fought with you every time you even bring up marriage. That’s your reality. Are you okay with this reality continuing as is, knowing he’s not going to legally commit to you? Then you can stay. Do you want a different type of relationship in the future? Then you should leave, because you aren’t getting it with this guy. There’s a possibility of marriage in your future, just not with your current boyfriend. You’ve seen what you’re getting with him, don’t expect that to magically morph into something else.
Similar hobbies are great, but that’s not what compatibility is. You can not successfully build a life with someone if you don’t even agree on what kind of life that should be. You want a married life. He does not. That’s a core incompatibility that neither love nor time will fix. Your actual decision is between this: do you want to stay with him as his girlfriend? Or do you want to break up with him and find someone else who wants to be your husband and takes actions to make that happen? Drop the wishful thinking and go with one of the two choices that are actually available to you.
If you do decide to stay, make sure that you don’t put yourself in a position where you are dependent on your boyfriend. By not marrying you, he’s chosen not to give you any legal protections if you break up. For example, I’ve been married for 10 years and so I would now have some of my husband’s Social Security to fall back on if he died or divorced me and I was left to pick up the pieces financially. And when my husband has been hospitalized, I’ve been able to be involved in his care as his next of kin. But despite the 10 years you’ve been dating your boyfriend, if he leaves or dies you’re completely on your own. If something happens to him medically, his family can take over and lock you right out of the process. If one of you loses your job and insurance, the other won’t be able to put you on their insurance if you have health problems. You can end up in a very bad situation if you rationalize yourself into acting like you have legal protections and laws to split things between you in the event you break up or make sure you’re cared for in dire situations when you actually do not have those legal protections.
*He is never going to marry you.* Decide whether or not you can live with that.
Wake up my friend. He doesn’t want to marry you. He has no incentive to marry you. He has everything he wants now. Without having to marry you. Either accept this or leave. Please don’t waste another 10 years. If you want marriage. Go get it. You’re worth it b
You’re wasting your life with him. Why would he marry you when you’ll stay regardless?
🙄🤦♀️ 10 years down the drain. You have cobwebs on you. He doesn’t want to marry you hence all the excuses. Plus he has you as a wife with no legal entanglements already. Time to move on or you’ll be 40 and still waiting.
What sort of loser takes 10 years for a degree.
Let me ask you a question:
Do you like to get the things you want?
Whether that’s your favorite takeout for dinner, a purse you’re lusting after, a specific make/model/color of car, to watch your favorite show after a long day of work…do you like getting the things you want?
If the answer to that is yes, do you actively work towards the things you want? Do you plan your route to pass by the restaurant for that takeout, save your money for the purse, look for good deals on used models of the car you want and make appointments at those dealerships to test drive them, or plan your night to get your chores done so you can queue up your favorite show and relax without thinking about laundry or dishes piling up?
If you like getting the things you want and actively work to get those things…so does he. Cause people generally find it very gratifying to get the things they want.
If his actions aren’t backing up his words, his words are meaningless (although one could argue that he is telling you exactly what he wants, or rather doesn’t want, every time he moves the goal post or tells you that he doesn’t see the point in marriage). If he’s not setting a specific number in his bank account as “enough money” and picking up extra shifts to make it happen, if he’s not registering for classes and buckling down to finish his degree, then his “yet” is a lie and he just plain doesn’t want it. His “yet” is his way of keeping you on the hook while he bides his time hoping that he’ll just magically want to marry you at some point in the future. Someone who wants to marry you isn’t going to keep you in the dark about exactly what he’s doing to make that happen and will keep you apprised.
As for whether you stay and be okay with never being married, only you can decide that for yourself. I can tell you though that trying to convince yourself you’re okay with something you’re really not okay with never actually works out – it only breeds resentment that will eventually kill the relationship. So if you have to talk yourself into it, it’s a pretty good sign that you just need to accept that this is a dealbreaker for you and move on.
This is the kind of story where he proposes to his next girlfriend after 6 months of dating. You deserve someone who doesn’t need a decade to decide whether you’re the one he wants to marry.
You two are not compatible, you want different things from the relationship. If he is not ready after 10 years, he never will be. Move on, you deserve someone who loves you.
His true feelings come out when he says he doesn’t want to get married. He makes loose promises of marrying you “one day” because it ends the conflict. If marriage is important to you, this guy isn’t the one. He’s too passive. You said he’s still working on his BA (for 10 years) and there is no end in sight. He’s fine taking his time and doesn’t see the need to marry you. Have another conversation with him and tell him that you need a definite timeline or you will need to move on with someone who values marriage.
Why didn’t you ask your friends this question? You already know what the answer is.
If he wanted to, he would.
My husband and I had a long-ish engagement (2 years) thinking that that we’d save enough money for a wedding in that time but we didn’t, so we eloped in a public garden in our home city and it was perfect.
Neither of us are where we want to be in our careers, neither of us make a lot of money, I only just graduated and my husband graduates this semester. The circumstances weren’t perfect but there’s no guarantee that there will *ever* be a perfect time to get married. You just got to decide you want to and do it. If your boyfriend wanted to marry you one day, he would have done it by now.
If you want marriage and a family, yes leave. Your window is closing to have a family. Not immediately, but how many more years are you going to give this man before YOU START ALL OVER getting to know someone you would have kids with?
Should have left 3 years ago
Yes, leave. There is a phenomenon that men will stay with a gf for years, even 10. They break up and he marries the next woman. He is not ready, your break up may facilitate that, but now not ready. I had it happen to a couple of friends of mine, and I have seen it happen to others also. One of the people that dated one of my friends for 7 years. He broke up, married and had a baby in 2 years. He told her he didn’t want children.
Why are you wasting your time if you want marriage it’s not going to be with him if he doesn’t know by now he never will
I’m gonna be a hundred percent honest with you from the man’s perspective, because I’ve been doing this same thing with my partner for a hot minute. We’ve been living together 4 years, coming up on our 6th anniversary.
I am being one hundred percent honest with her and with all of you every time I ever told her that the one prerequisite I have for us to get married is to feel like we are on our feet together; fiscally, emotionally and professionally. I want it to feel like we are both in the right place emotionally (at one time this was an issue where we were fighting a good amount but have largely gotten past the worst of it), I want us to both feel like we’re established in our careers (I have been and she has not been), and I want us to both be rowing in the same direction financially (I am the only one of the two of us with a savings, I cover all major expenses and she pays as she goes). She has been totally in agreement with all of this, has been putting a great effort into getting there with me and has never hounded me about marriage aside from the occasional mention to let me know she still obviously wants to, but never a fight. We both love our partnership, and marriage will never change that… it’s just something we have set as a goalpost.
Here’s the thing. We are going into the worst economic crisis of our lifetimes. Doom and gloom headlines around climate change are jeopardizing our sense of security in our futures. Senile old men who rule the worlds superpowers are standing off at each other and pointing nukes at me and everyone I love. On top of all that, I know someone who just died crossing the street – nothing in life is a given. There will always be another reason to put off getting married. There may not always be another tomorrow. This has been some deeply humbling perspective. Would I regret it if I never got married to the love of my life?
I went out and bought the engagement ring a couple of months ago. None of that other shit matters. Sometimes you just need life to give you a swift kick in the ass to remember what matters.
You gave him the cow so now he has no reason to marry you, but his reason for not marrying you: keeping his options open.
It sounds like you care more about being married than being with someone you love, so break up and find someone who wants the same.
This wouldnt really be a ‘break up with him now’ thing if you hadnt been clear from the start, or if he’d changed his mind or something cuz thats something you could definitely worked on if its as good a relationship as you said… But it doesnt sound like that whats happening.
He knew this was important to you from the start (sounds like hes been stringing you along and never intends to marrying you but is saying ‘not yet’ ciz he knows its a deal breaker for you. That is whats messed up here. The lying and manipulating.
Is he always this selfish, putting his wants/feelings before your own?
In my opinion, if you’re not at least engaged after 2 to 3 years or married after 5, it’s not gonna happen..
OP
Take a short vacation, one day, maybe two days, without him, and ask yourself if you are happy without his company.
I sense you already have a response to your own question, but you are here for a reason – you want to deny your intuition using our group think.
Yeah what happens if either of y’all get sick then you’re dependent on families to make decisions. There are so many reasons for adults to get married.
He doesn’t care that you know you’d be happier with that commitment, that security.
Yes you leave
He has you wrapped around his finger and is not afraid of losing you. He is taking you for granted, have some pride and self respect. The problem is not that you are asking for too much, it is that you are asking for too little.
Sounds like you cut your losses and leave him.
“on board’ with no kids doesn’t sound quite the same as he 100% never wanted kids and has had a vasectomy.
Few men are keen to have kids at a young age ( especally guys who are also afraiid of commitment) and so they are often glad to hear their girlfriend doesn’t want kids as they are not going to get baby trapped. This is not the same as NEVER want kids. Are you sure he just doesn’t want kids with YOU????
Not wanting to commit to you with marriiage is HUGE red flag imo. If a guy is in love he’s afraid to lose you wants you locked down wiith marriage and or kids. ( even if he doesn’t like weddings) You seem like a bangmaid/placeholder till somthing better comes along.
Be ready to get dumped as soon as he finds “the mother of his kids” when he gets to 40 and starts thinking about his “legacy’.
If he doesn’t want marriage and kids with you unless he has stated his firm opposition to BOTH concepts in general then the trueth iss he DOES want them just not with you. You need to move out and he’ll eiither step up or you’ll find out eexactly how little you mean to him.
This is one of those relationships where the moment you broke up, he’d marry the next woman months after dating, lol
If you love each other then you’ll find a way but if mariage is a dealbreaker for you then he has to make a move.
Tell him about the advantages of getting married. That it is not just a ring and a status.
It is financially responsible.
Do you want him or do you want marriage? Seems like you can’t have both. I’ve been married 18 years and it does mean something special to us both to have that, but I’d have him regardless. The point is that this is important to you, and if he doesn’t care, he either isn’t sure about you forever, or cares about himself first. I’d start untangling from him because it will become resentment eventually.
If he hasn’t seen a future with you by NOW, then he never will.
You’re giving him everything that a marriage entails, why would he ? He’s already getting everything. I am so sorry for all these wasted years. Men KNOW if they wanna marry you or not. Wait and see , if you break up with him the next girl is gonna have a ring within months
True story: A psychic once told me that one does not need to be a psychic to predict the future. She said tell me how you live today and I will tell you what your life will look like in 5-10 years.
You just told us how you have been living for the last 10 years, if nothing changes, you will be in this same space in 5 years. He won’t change, will you? Feel free to DM me a small donation for my services 😉 I just gave you a reading.
Some people just don’t want to see the truth