“Should I have taken the day off to watch my step kid? #ParentingDilemma #CustodyAgreement #WorkLifeBalance
Background:
- Stepchild’s school is far from our home
- Stepchild stays with us during school breaks and occasional weekdays when ex needs help
Situation:
Recently, ex informed my spouse that stepchild would be staying with us on a weekday. I mentioned I had to work in person that day, which led to a misunderstanding.
The Issue:
Spouse assumed I would be working from home without clarifying. Should I have taken the day off even though I never agreed to watch stepchild?
My Response:
- I had prior work commitments
- I usually inform spouse about going to the office last minute for coordination
- Stepchild could have gone to school if all adults were busy
Am I at Fault?
Spouse believes I should have prioritized stepchild like my own, but I had valid reasons for working.
“
NTA. At the end of the day, while it’s nice to help, the kid has two parents who are responsible for him and also have the very reasonable solution of just taking the kid to school ffs. It’s also not like you purposefully are going to the office to skip out on helping, it sounds like you already help a fair bit.
Prolly not something you want to be in the middle of, but it sounds like Stu needs to address Bob’s mother dropping him off willy nilly or get an official court ordered parenting plan, or if there is one, re-clarify it…
There are a few layers of concern here!
1. Is there no formal custody/child care agreement? It must be unsettling for “Bob” to never be sure which parent they’ll be with.
2. The adults are all okay with “Bob” not attending school when it’s inconvenient? Another terrible message to “Bob”.
3. There’s a lack of communication or at least a lack of listening between Stu and you, and also a layer of assumption/entitlement about childcare and your work. You’re expected to take care of “Bob” (who isn’t going to school) because the ex has dropped the child to you and Stu?
NTA for having a job. But this whole situation must make “Bob” feel unsettled and perhaps unwanted, when they’re just dropped to their father’s house sporadically and left with their stepmother because that’s most convenient.
NTA
1. Your husband shouldn’t be assuming your free just because you work from home
2. Your husband should have better boundaries or as some call it a formal custody agreement with his ex
3. If it were your bio kid I’d assume you’d have a better pattern of custody with your ex so this type of mess didn’t happen
NTA
You have a Stu problem. He’s just passing his responsibilities onto you.
NTA Your husband is weaponizing his ex’s poor communication *against you* – and adding more on top of it.
Additionally, it’s concerning that Bob is missing school during the week simply because it’s inconvenient for the adults to transport him. What’s up with that>?
>Stu feels I would respond differently if it were my bio kid (I would, I would take him to school!),
Which proves you’re the most adult of all the ‘adults’ in this situation. The unannounced shuffling back and forth is bad enough, but this kid is missing school on a regular basis when his parents simply can’t be arsed to take him? ‘Too much time in the car’ is one of the most asinine reasons I’ve seen for not taking a child to school, and believe me, I used to come up with some *doozies* when I was trying to get out of school. You know…as a *child*. How are they not seeing what they’re teaching him about his education? What a way to prove to the kid that he’s an ‘inconvenience’.
And somehow you’re supposed to be the AH for not facilitating it? Poor Bob.
NTA.
NTA
The kid has two parents. Let THEM figure it out.
YOur partner is the AH.
NTA
Bob needs to be in school. Their reason for not taking him isn’t a reasonable one.
NTA – he made an assumption that you would be available. Even if you hadn’t told him you had to be at work in person, the assumption is still crummy. End of the day this is his kid, and he needs to be responsible for sorting out care.
NTA – it’s Stu’s kid, he can take the day off or take the kid to school where he belongs.
NTA. Bob can drive his child to school, or his ex can. You told him you had to work! Bob’s assumptions are his problem.
It doesn’t matter if you would feel differently about it if it were your bio kid. A working mother is a working mother. If it was your bio kid, school would be a few minutes away, and it would be an easy fix. Additionally, if it was your bio kid, you wouldn’t be caught off guard with an assumption of YOU taking care of the child. As him if it was YOUR bio kid if HE would be so quick to assume care of your child the way he assumes you will care for his. NTA. I am a step-parent. I love my step-daughter as much as a bio kid, although it was slightly easier, she lived with me and her dad. She went to school close to me. I took care of her the same as my bio child, but my husband never made that assumption on me.
NTA.
Bob is his kid so if someone needs to take off work to watch him then guess what, Stu? “You ARE the father”, so you get to do it.
No one needs to watch Bob, btw, because he should be in school; 45 minutes is *not* “too much time in the car”; there are kids Bob’s age who take school buses — or even public transportation — for longer periods than that and they do it 5 days a week, not just once a month.
Nta
NTA
Thank you Stu. You put it exactly.
Not her bio kid so not her responsibility to bend over backwards!
Sheesh.
Way to pass on responsibility.
NTA
You’re right, he should go to school. I spent 45 minutes on a bus each way to school for a 3 year stretch at a similar age. Bob can survive the occasional once a month ride
Bob should be in school whether or not the adults are working.
NTA
Info
How has the school not sent home notices about attendance?
My kid misses two days in a semester and I’m getting a nasty gram threatening truancy court and fines
Stu and the ex are OK with Bob missing school on his parenting days bc it’s too much time in the car FOR THEM.
I would be shocked that a school is not concerned or involved if a kid is missing a week of school every month or every other month.
Does your workplace know you’re providing childcare while you WFH?
I suggest giving Stu a deadline to find reliable childcare for Bob and start treating WFH hours like any office job. You’re making it far too easy for the parents to shirk their responsibilities. NTA.
Man if they’re okay with their kid missing a 1/4 of the month almost every month, that’s educational neglect. That’s literally 2.5 months of every school year give or take that they’re denying their kid education. Not only is that ridiculous, it’s not sustainable. School gets harder. Catch-up gets harder. They’re doing him dirty.
NTA. They need to cut it the fuck out before it starts seriously affecting his growth.
I think you are doing everything right by staying out of their custody agreement. But I think you need to further distance yourself. Say you will no longer be babysitting and working at the same time. If your husband tries to call your bluff, go into the office. Remove yourself. Sadly, I bet a formal custody agreement will be enforced when it’s his time instead of yours.
NTA Remind Stu that his child is also his responsibility and he can either get a real custody agreement or take his child to school. Don’t bother getting invested in arguing about whether or not you would respond differently if he was your bio kid, he isn’t and his parents are choosing to endanger his education for their convenience. That’s the problem they need to fix.
NTA. This sounds like a Stu problem, not a you problem
NTA. It’s not your kid, and the kid should be in school on a school day. You’re only 45 minutes out from his school, yes it’s a distance and nearly an hour in the car one way, but it’s doable, and should have been factored in the second you moved that far away from the school. If the mum can’t take him in and pick him up, dad needs to do it. You if you’re comfortable doing that sometimes.
You already have a way of doing things regarding work that your husband is fully aware of. You work from both home and the office and you tell him if you’re in the office on the day of. Your husband didn’t say he wanted you to watch Bob on the Monday, just that he was coming. Unless he specifically said you were going to be expected to watch the kid then there’s no reason you’d suddenly change from informing him you’re in office on the day to informing him in advance.
It also doesn’t sound like your husband had things he had to do that day, just things he wanted to do. Which means it’s far easier for him to change his plans than for you to change your work schedule, and should be expected that he’d watch the kid, not you. Especially as it’s not your kid in the first place.
Really, though, regardless of distance and inconvenience, the kid needs to be in school on a school day. It’s probably negatively affecting the kid to miss school so often. It may not seem like much, but he’s missing entire days, if not a week, every month, that has to be leaving him behind in comparison to his classmates as he’s missing so many lessons that he needs to keep up.
Honestly, your husband needs to stop just taking the kid whenever his ex decides to bow out as a parent on her time. He either needs to stick to the custody arrangement and refuse to take the kid on her time except in emergencies, or he needs to insist his ex at least take him to school in the morning, and he’ll pick him up, if it’s a single day, she takes him in on Monday and picks him up on Friday if it’s a week, with your husband doing the school run the rest of the time.
45 minutes in the car isn’t a reasonable excuse for pulling the kid out of school so often. If this was only one day every 6 months or more, I could see it, but this is between a day and a week every month, it’s too much. The kids education is suffering, as is his socialisation. The kid going to school is more important that mum wandering off to do god knows what or dad not wanting to spend 45 minutes in the car.
NTA, It’s on Stu and his ex to make sure there is a plan for where the kid is. He never should have assumed you were available.
NTA
It’s your husband’s son. He should take off work as he agreed with his ex he would have his son. You are not a nanny or babysitter for your husband and his ex. YOU never agreed to watch him, you weren’t even asked if you would or could be home to watch him.
NTA. There’s no reason Bob can’t be in school besides laziness of his mother and father.
NTA If Stu agrees to having his kid over it is up to HIM to handle it. He can a day off work to watch him. Your job is important and he needs to realize that you aren’t gonna drop everything because his ex wife has something to do. Ridiculous.
NTA. If Stu wants to keep Bob on any weekday then HE needs to take Bob back and forth to school or take some time off himself. This is not good for Bob at all. He should not be missing so much school just because his parents want to be lazy. If I were you I would no longer allow Bob to just be left with me because his parents don’t feel like being responsible parents.
NTA. You are being used by both your SO and his ex. Do you think he questioned his ex on why she wasn’t having him on her assigned day like he questioned you about your availability? I doubt it.
For Bob to miss that many days of school because your husband is too lazy to drive him to school… we’ll be prepared to go to court. The school can bring this up to the court. His absence is habitual and harmful for the kid.
Did your husband just decide hey here is Bob and just bounce? He can’t communicate with you? That would be the biggest argument of all. His ex is bad with communication, but he shouldn’t be with you.
Perhaps you can enroll him in a school that is close to you when he is in your custody? I dunno if this is possible or not, but I’m sure there is something you can do.
Even if you work from home, it’s so hard to take care of kids at the same time. I work from home and I hate when the kids are home with me. Too much chaos and I can’t truly focus on my job and I feel like I’m neglecting the kids. It’s a lose – lose situation.
Honestly it sounds like both bio parents sucks.
NTA. Your husband can take a day off to either spend time with his kid or drive him to school – yes he have to change his schedule but this is his kid.
NTA, he is his parents responsibility, not yours. It is great that you are doing some of the childcare but they cannot just expect you to watch him at the drop of a hat whenever they fancy it.
They can take the day off work to parent their own child, it is not on you.
Also, the fact they are so casual about him missing school for no good reason is awful. Education matters!