#Teenagers #HouseholdChores #Responsibility #FamilyLife
Are teenagers supposed to know how to help around the house and then do it voluntarily?
As a parent or guardian, it’s common to wonder whether teenagers should know how to help around the house and do so voluntarily. The topic of teenagers and household chores can be a source of tension in many households. Some parents expect their teens to know what needs to be done and to do it without being asked, while others prefer to assign specific tasks. Let’s delve into this question and explore the expectations and responsibilities of teenagers when it comes to household chores.
The Expectations of Teenagers and Household Chores
It’s essential to recognize that every family has its own dynamics and expectations when it comes to household responsibilities. However, there are some general considerations when it comes to teenagers and household chores:
1. Understanding the Importance of Contributing to the Household: Teenagers should understand that they are part of a family unit and have a role to play in maintaining the home. Contributing to household chores teaches responsibility, time management, and essential life skills.
2. Learning the Value of Hard Work: Engaging in household chores helps teenagers appreciate the effort that goes into running a household. Understanding the value of hard work can be a valuable life lesson.
3. Balancing Responsibilities: It’s important for teenagers to learn how to balance their schoolwork, extracurricular activities, and household chores. Learning to manage their time effectively is an essential skill that will serve them well in the future.
4. Communication and Expectations: Clear communication between parents and teenagers is crucial when it comes to household chores. Establishing expectations and guidelines can prevent misunderstandings and frustration.
Teenagers and Voluntary Participation in Household Chores
The question arises whether teenagers should be expected to help around the house voluntarily or if specific tasks should be assigned to them. Here are some considerations in this regard:
1. Autonomy and Initiative: Some parents believe that teenagers should take the initiative to help with household chores without being told. This approach emphasizes autonomy and self-motivation.
2. Setting Clear Expectations: On the other hand, some parents prefer to assign specific tasks to their teenagers to ensure that the necessary chores are completed. This approach can help avoid ambiguity and ensure that responsibilities are distributed fairly.
3. Transitioning to Adulthood: Teaching teenagers how to manage household chores prepares them for adulthood. Learning to take initiative and manage responsibilities independently is an essential skill that will serve them well in their future endeavors.
4. Gender Expectations: It’s important to note that expectations for household chores can be influenced by gender stereotypes. While it’s essential for both boys and girls to learn household skills, traditional gender roles should not dictate the division of labor.
The Case of Unsolicited Help
The example provided about a wife expecting her husband to help around the house without explicit instructions resonates with the experience of many teenagers. It’s important to consider the following points when it comes to the concept of unsolicited help:
1. Expectations and Communication: Clear communication is crucial in any relationship, including between parents and teenagers. Expectations should be communicated openly, and teenagers should be given the opportunity to take on responsibilities voluntarily.
2. Balancing Independence and Guidance: While it’s essential for teenagers to learn to take initiative, guidance and support from parents are also vital. Establishing a balance between autonomy and guidance can help teenagers develop a sense of responsibility.
3. Learning from Experience: Not every teenager will instinctively know how to contribute to household chores without being asked. It’s okay for parents to provide initial guidance and gradually transition to a more self-directed approach as teenagers gain experience and confidence.
4. Reflecting on Personal Experiences: The personal experience shared about a parent expecting unsolicited help from their teenager without clear instructions highlights the need for open communication and understanding. It’s essential to take into account individual perspectives and family dynamics when it comes to household responsibilities.
In Conclusion
The expectations placed on teenagers regarding household chores can vary widely, but there are some general principles to consider. Understanding the importance of contributing to the household, learning the value of hard work, balancing responsibilities, and effective communication are all crucial when it comes to teenagers and household chores.
Ultimately, the concept of unsolicited help can be a source of tension in many households. While it’s essential for teenagers to learn responsibility and take initiative, parents should also provide clear guidance and support. Finding a balance between autonomy and direction can help teenagers develop the necessary skills for adulthood while also fostering a harmonious family dynamic.
no, they are usually shown or taught at some point, hopefully.
The people in your examples need to throw away the gender roles and learn to communicate better. People have different tolerance levels for how neat or messy a house should be. If a person is uncomfortable, they need to communicate that thought.
Assigning chores based on a person’s gender is also just weird, in my opinion. I’m a man who lived alone for 8 years- I’m perfectly capable of doing all chores.
Parents should show their kids how to keep their homes clean and scale chores appropriately. At some point, it should become automatic for the teenager.
Failing to do so is how we get Mr. I Need A List.
Edit: Here you go, list needers:
1. Write down a big list of literally every single thing that needs to be done in a household. Down to the smallest detail. If they require specialized knowledge, create a little information sheet for yourself.
2. Add a frequency to the list. For example, sheets need to be changed once a week.
3. Put them on an online checklist or a whiteboard or something.
4. You don’t have to do the whole list at once. Figure out the most urgent items and highlight them.
5. Create a time when you will do some tasks. You can set an alarm, resolve to do living room chores while you watch your show (portable speaker works great for this), etc.
6. Start doing them.
I understand, that it is not simple for children to do chores alone, on their own, without being told. I have two sons. They are doing various things at home. Even ironing and washing clothes.they need to be prepared for life. Usually, we tell them, that today, we are going to clean, you are downstairs, you have upstairs. And they know they need to vacuum, clean the dust and clean the bathroom. We, adults, work the rest. They know to clean table after food, or to help put away things after play or party. Sometimes they take out the trash, or put out the dishwasher on their own, but usually I tell them. Please make the trash, or put the dishes away… they are teenagers, so I don’t have hope, they will always do it from their own will.
I literally had this talk with my 17 year old yesterday. If you see dirty dishes in the sink, go ahead and put them in the dishwasher. Oh the dishwasher is full of clean dishes? go ahead and put them away.
See garbage on the floor? Pick it up and put in the garbage can.
By 17 you shouldn’t have to be nagging your kids to help in the house they live in.
>she expected me to help on my own accord and then harshly criticise me for not doing that.
You lived in those homes, right?
We were taught and assigned habitual tasks. This gets cleaned once a week, this gets done every day, when x happens it’s y’S job to do z… .etc.
There were other Spur of the moment tasks.
I thought this was normal?
It is different.
Parents should be working together to maintain the household. There’s a commitment involved, and each partner should have responsibilities. But, each parent has their own threshold, so one partner might think a chore needs to be done and the other partner might think it’s fine to wait. There’s no single solution to this, besides communication and teamwork.
Kids, on the other hand, have made no such commitment, but they need to be taught how to be responsible, healthy, contributing members of society. I think if I had to do it again, I’d try to encourage my kids when they were young to do things with me, making it clear that we were helping one another. As teens, I’d ask them to help, but not demand it, although I’m sure that I’d adjust other privileges for them accordingly.
I think the problem with the argument of
>It is your household, too. You are supposed to know when certain things need to be done.
is that some people think certain things need to be done at different times.
I used to make dinner and then leave the pans to soak and take care of them that night. My ex-wife preferred that I make dinner and immediately clean the dishes.
Or the concept of clean. I would come home and take my shoes off at the door and tuck them under this little shelf we had next to the door. She would claim it’s a mess because I should put my shoes in my room.
If you’re going to live with someone, you need to discuss the standards of cleaning and communicate effectively. A teenager is just like anyone else and will have a different standard for when to clean and what clean entails.
1) Parents teach their kids a chore, for example “Check the trash every day at 5 PM. If it is full, take it out.”
2) Parents then make sure the trash doesn’t get full and that the child does the assigned task.
3) As the child gets older, parents assign more tasks. They should also print a chart that lists the tasks and when they should be done.
4) They should also offer incentives when the tasks are done properly and on time, as well as disincentives when the tasks are not done properly or on time.
Teenagers need to be shown. A grown man doesn’t (shouldn’t) need to be parented
It’s a balance, teens have eyes so if they see their parents habitually doing chores, they can watch and learn and volunteer to chip in. If their room is a mess then I would imagine if they care enough they will tidy themselves without being instructed to.
My teen helps me pack shopping away every time I return home, I never asked she just does it. She Hoover’s her own room outside of the times I would like it done, empties her own bins. I wash dishes but she also rewashes them before using any, which means she doesn’t think much of my skill at it.
She watches me prepare and cook food and will help when instructed, fetching stuff, stirring and chopping. She doesn’t have set chores but from my observation she will be even cleaner and particular than I am when she has her own home.
I’ve lived alone, can maintain a house and kept it resonant tidy. When I got with my partner she would stop me doing house work to do it herself. For over a year I was told “DW, I’ll do it”.
Then half way through year two she was angry I never did anything. So I started doing house work again and she would get angry I was doing it wrong.
So I stopped again.
We now have a deal where I only do house work if she’s out. Honestly the house was cleaner when I lived alone.
I would hope so. How else are they going to know how to do things for themselves when they’re adults?
I work at a college. One day the theater department tech was venting to me that he had a student who didn’t know how to wash dishes. They were gathering props for an upcoming stage production and the props included dishes, cups and utensils. The dinnerware had been I storage for a while so they needed to be washed on the shop sink. He sent a student off to do it solo figuring it wouldn’t take them long.
The student came back a few minutes later and said that they weren’t sure how to do it. This kid had no idea how to grab a sponge and soap and just start washing dishes.
The technician was baffled.
It’s two fold parents are supposed to teach their kids but kids also naturally pick up things from watching their parents.
If you see your mom taking out the trash on a consistent basis and you one day see the trash is full, you should be able to conclude that it be a good idea to take out the trash. So I think your mom was right in her expectations, but not in her reaction and criticism. Unless she specifically told you before hand.
I think it’s easier as a kid to do household chores than as a spouse or living with another adult. As a teen, you’re generally doing something the way that you were showed and to the standard of your parents. As an adult in a relationship, doing things the way you were raised can cause fights, ridicule, arguments…
So yes, as my daughter grows up I expect her to take initiative and do the things I’ve shown her and do them to the standards I set for her. However, as a parent I will be creating tools and systems to make this easier for her to accomplish.
If someone – teenager or adult – empties a bag of chips, it’s not rocket science to put the empty bag into the trashcan. If they have a dirty cup or plate, really it’s not asking too much to expect them to KNOW to at least carry it to the sink next time they are on their feet. If a towel or clothing is on the floor, it’s not a great mental feat to recognize golly gee, that isn’t where this item belongs! and put it in the appropriate place.
There really ARE some obvious things in life. Cleaning up after yourself is one of them.
No, parents need to teach those skills, they are not inherent.
An adult can and should probably have the forethought to see what needs to be done and make a plan to do it without relying on a list from their partner. At the same time, they are partners, and if one was never taught these skills, it seems reasonable to sit down one time together and go over what regular chores for the house should be and determine how to equitably split them
Parents are SUPPOSED to teach their children (regardless of gender) how to care for a home, since its going to be a *necessary* skill when they move out. Teens learn from their caretakers. Its learning how to adult. Some expectations should exist, but learning how to do chores extends even into young-adulthood when you will have to make your own chore-structure when you live on your own. Old-teen and Young-Adult is the time you should learn to start doing things without being told to. Since its observation and then action.
An *fully grown* adult who cant figure out that the hamper full of clothes needs washing- its different. If they see a chore that needs doing, they shouldn’t need their spouse to parent them. They should think “oh I should wash that.” and then get it done. Since they have experience in being an adult with a fully developed brain.
My 18 year old son does his own laundry, makes his own food, helps me with shopping, takes out garbage without asking.
You have to teach them these things. This usually doesn’t happen unless you take time to teach them.
There are different approaches to motivation, but every child should be taught every aspect of home maintenance by mid teens, including budgeting. Unfortunately, the last 40 years have seen income shrink while expenses went up and parents are *exhausted*. It’s hard work training someone, anyone, to do a job right. Training a kid who isn’t enthused, isn’t fully rational yet, and *will* make mistakes, is a bridge too far for some parents at the end of their rope. But not doing this is how we get young adults who have to YouTube “how do I” for everything, or just go through life never knowing some basic things because they were never taught. It’s sad.
TLDR: yes, teens should help maintain the household they live in without being asked, *because* they live there. But those expectations must be communicated clearly, and the skills must be taught. The parents have to follow through that training multiple times. It’s hard work raising well-adjusted humans. Sometimes we fail at some things.
No, you are supposed to teach them and lead by example. Not teaching how to do a single thing then at 15 expecting them to know how to clean their bedroom,cook dinner and do laundry is setting them up to fail. As parents you are supposed to teach your children how to be adults
The way I was raised is that everyone pitches in from the time they can until they can’t anymore- it doesn’t have to be anything big, but everyone does something. My brother and I went from putting the silverware on the table, to helping clean up, to helping do dishes, to doing them ourselves (as one example). I think kids of all genders should learn to help, not just girls, because they do all live in the house and it shouldn’t just fall on one person (or a few of the people) who lives someplace. As we got a little older, we weren’t really told to do things anymore. We knew how often things needed to be done, because we were taught, and everybody just kind of took turns- sometimes we knew what people particularly didn’t like, like my grandfather hated vacuuming, so he didn’t do that but he had no problem sweeping which is something I don’t like.
I think the strict gender roles around not thinking boys have to learn (and allowing men to get out of doing stuff) is how we get so many guys who can’t do basic tasks. Or more, choose not to. Because most of us live on our own at some point and while some guys might not have like beautifully kept homes or something, they don’t usually live in absolute filth.
My mom was a terrible housecleaner and I am a fantastic cleaner. You can figure it out yourself
>”It is your household, too. You are supposed to know when certain things need to be done
This is just poor communication and will lead to resentment on both sides.
Pro tip for any cohabitation situation: Clearly communicate your needs, and recognize that everyone is different and thus won’t see the same things you do. Just because to you a task obviously needs to be done, that doesn’t mean other people are going to think the same thing. This is why you clearly communicate your needs.
You have to teach children/teens how to clean and to what level your expectations of cleanliness exist. It is not fair to expect them to know all the things and to be able to “notice” when things need to be done. It’s not an innate skill that they choose to ignore. We have responsibilities as parents to teach them how to be a good human and, eventually, a good adult.
It’s also important to teach them that they are part of a household and everyone needs to do their part to keep things running smoothly: Parents do the groceries, cooking, pay the bills, the laundry, etc. Kids/teens can start with simple things like loading/unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming, dusting, taking out the trash and replacing the liner.
But, importantly, kids need to know/see that they are not slaves or being held to higher standards than what the adults hold themselves to. While housekeeping skills aren’t innate, a sense of fairness *is*. So, parent accordingly.
I started doing a daily list of rotating chores. Usually things that will make it easier for me to piggy back on. Like dishwasher emptied so that I can cook. Everyone loads their own dishes in. Also I taught my kids to wash their own clothes at a young age. How they put them away is their business. I taught them how to fold them but 2 of the 3 just shove them in the drawers. I’m ok with that it’s their wrinkly look 🤷♀️
I grew up with a mother like yours who believed that I should be able to read her mind, do everything *exactly* as she would and would get screamy very quickly if I asked for directions in fear of not doing it correctly because “you’ve seen me do it, you should know how”.
The problem with this is that there’s no proper communication or setting of expectations or a timeline. If you think your child should be at your beck and call for any household chore you deem to be completed RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT, they lose all sense of agency and accomplishment and will simply act like robots doing specifically what you ask and no more. If you expect your child to have the same thought process and overview of all household tasks as you, they will inevitably fail every time. If you ask them to do something but don’t specify a deadline or make sure they’ve actually been introduced to the task and then get mad at them for it, they will feel helpless and resent you for it.
In the end it’s the adult’s responsibility to make sure that their progeny has the skills and framework to successfully accomplish anything they’re put to. They didn’t chose to be part of the household and it’s your basic job to teach them how to run one on their own once they’re ready. If you set them up to fail and then berate them for it, you’re just a shit parent.
What your mom gets frustrated over is when you ignore selfexplaining obvious stuff.
You open to the bin, it is allmost full and you cram in stuff so now it’s overflowing. You shouldent NEED to be told that you should take a full bin out, you arn’t stupid, almost adult – you know perfectly well where to take that bin.
The same with the dishwasher, a full load of laundry when you put your stuff in etc.
You see this, you know something should be done, and then you ignore it.
All of these are 10 minutes tasks that wont kill you…
And yes, you are supposed to use your brain unsuperviced
First yelling at your kid or your spouse for not doing something that wasn’t communicated to them is sub-optimal at best. If a person expects others to read their mind they are going to be disappointed every single time. There is no winning in that situation.
Agree to responsibilities and when they need to happen or ask the other person to do them if expectation is to do them ad hoc. Really any other route here is going to lead to disappointment and frustration from both parties.
If you want your kids to do stuff they need instructions they aren’t stupid but they are really bad at reading minds.
Not all adults will agree on what chores need to be done, so discussing what would be on a list is pretty much absolutely required for someone else to ever get it “right”.
Expecting a teenager to take out the trash regularly without saying “hey, I would like you to take out the trash regularly” is one step further into insanity; that’s not gonna work.
Having to make a list for an adult is basically saying to them “you’re worse at this than I would expect of children, but I still need the help, so here, here’s a list”.
Asking for someone to tell you what to do or asking for that list? That’s fair, though; you’re trying to say “show me what you want and I’m glad to get that going”.
Communications need to be clear or it fails, at any age.
Trash full when you go to add something? Fucking take it out don’t keep piling stuff on it.
When I was a teen I knew what needed to be done bc my parents taught me from a young age
I mean I knew the dishes needed to be done and put away,clearly cus I saw the sink full/smelled it. Why would I wait to be yelled at? Couch blankets on the floor? Easy to fold and put away.
Same with taking care of the pets.
I could walk outside and see the grass needs to be cut( I didn’t do it my step dad had a coworker do it for extra funds since he was paid under the table)
Same with towels that started to smell. Okay so I got the towels and put them in the washer to wash. Wasn’t that heard to comprehend at 11/12 or even a whole ass teenager my mother doing laundry to help gather the dirty items around the house.
I got ADHD,take meds so I can eat&drink and function.
I have a 14 year old and a 18 year old still at home. Both boys. They will both randomly take out the garbage or vacuum without being asked. It’s not “their chore”. They just do it when it needs to be done. (Neither have done the dishes without being asked!)
If you know there’s something that can/should/needs to be done, and you’re physically able, you should do it.
Honestly in my life at home, as a teen or as an adult with my husband, there was never a list.
As a teenager I could see my mom could use some help so after she showed my brother and I how to do something, like washing our clothes, or just general cleaning up after yourself it became an expectation. There were specific things each of us was more willing to do than the others, so specific “chores” just became common, such as my brother picking up after the dogs and me the cats.
This is the same with my husband. We know the tasks need to get done and naturally divide and conquer. We don’t always do tasks together, or on set schedules but we generally know what chores we are responsible for.
For either condition the need for a list is unnecessary since we all want to keep up with our chores for the others that live in your home. It’s just courtesy.
Yeah if you’re taught this during childhood and your parents did it. Growing up I did my own laundry, mowed and lawn and made dinner on my assigned nights without needing to be asked. My parents are the fucking best, its least I could do and it was a good healthy routine I enjoyed.
Child of two immigrants for context.
Your parents should show how how to do different chores and tasks while you’re younger so you already know how to do them when you’re a teenager.
My 15 y/o takes out the trash when needed and cans to the curb the night before trash night. Does the dishes daily. Shovels snow when needed. Waters the yard daily in the summer. And take care of sweeping/ mopping/ straightening the downstairs living room. He’s never been asked to do these separate chores. The only things I ask of him is keep his room clean and do his own laundry. He started doing these on his own when my wife, his step mom, got pregnant because he wanted to give her more time to rest. His sister is a year old now and he still does this without prompt.
Well a grown person should know what needs to be done in their own house. It’s not that difficult. But I guess at the same time if they were never taught as a kid then they might not know. But basic stuff should be common sense