#Parenting #RelationshipAdvice #CoParenting
First time poster, but I’m writing in because I’m not sure if I should feel guilty about what I said during a conversation with my girlfriend. I love her to death and she’s a great person and a fantastic mother; but she had children with somebody who was psychotic.
Lately, she’s been dealing with a lot of stress from her ex-husband as far as custody arrangements go, and to keep it short: he’s making her life difficult by not taking the children on days that he is agreed to, and verbally berating her when she tries to get him to stick to his agreed schedule.
She was complaining a lot (rightfully so) about the problems she’s been having with him and she asked me “how is it fair that I have to deal with this? Am I just supposed to deal with this for the rest of my life?”
And I responded by saying: “You know it’s definitely not fair, but unfortunately, at one point you had decided to have children with him and if he’s going to be involved in their life in any capacity, you’re going to have to deal with this to some degree until the children are grown.”
She got mad and hung up on me. I wonder if I was too harsh about the reality of the situation :/.
Here’s what you should know about this situation:
1. Empathy and understanding are key: It’s important to acknowledge the emotional toll that dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can take on someone. Recognize that your girlfriend may be feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained, and try to offer your support in a compassionate and understanding manner.
2. Provide emotional support: While it’s important to be honest and realistic about the situation, it’s also crucial to provide emotional support to your girlfriend. Let her know that you’re there for her and that you understand the challenges she’s facing. Encourage her to express her feelings and offer a listening ear without judgment.
3. Encourage seeking professional help: Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can take a toll on one’s mental and emotional well-being. Encourage your girlfriend to seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to help her cope with the stress and navigate the challenges of co-parenting with a difficult ex-partner.
4. Explore legal options: If your girlfriend’s ex-husband is consistently failing to uphold his end of the custody arrangement and is causing significant disruption and distress, it may be necessary to explore legal options. Encourage your girlfriend to seek advice from her lawyer on how to address the situation and enforce the custody arrangement more effectively.
5. Focus on solutions: Rather than dwelling solely on the challenges and frustrations, encourage your girlfriend to focus on finding practical solutions to the issues she’s facing. Help her brainstorm potential strategies for dealing with her ex-husband’s behavior and taking proactive steps to minimize the impact of his actions on her and her children.
In conclusion, while it’s important to be honest and realistic about the challenges of co-parenting with a difficult ex-spouse, it’s equally important to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and support. By offering emotional support, encouraging the exploration of legal options, and focusing on practical solutions, you can help your girlfriend navigate the complexities of co-parenting with greater resilience and clarity. Remember that communication and empathy are key in any relationship, especially when dealing with challenging situations like this.
YTA. Harsh and unfair of you to put the blame on her for ending up with a guy who is causing her problems. She’s stressed, and she’s venting, so the last thing she is looking to hear is “you made this bed!”
NTA.
She just didn’t want to face the truth.
>And I responded by saying: “You know it’s definitely not fair, but unfortunately, at one point you had decided to have children with him and if he’s going to be involved in their life in any capacity, you’re going to have to deal with this to some degree until the children are grown.”
Dude, she knows that. Sometimes telling people a truthful statement is NOT the right way to approach a situation. Let her vent. YTA
Bro… what?
Yep YTA. While you are technically not wrong, you didn’t show any compassion for her. Also it sounds like you all don’t behave like a family together. Like she is the only one who is battling this situation and you are no help at all.
I could be wrong about the last statement though.
NAH. This was some of that Venus and Mars communication. She wanted a little kindness and you gave her stark realism. Ouch.
You’re not wrong, Walter. You’re just an AH.
This seems like one of those times she just wanted someone to agree with her, some times people want to vent, not a solution and certainly not criticism, is it valid criticism yes, does she care no.
NAH
She wanted emotional support, you were full of this story. But just so you know, sometimes people dont show their true colors until kids come. Maybe its not really her fault for not seeing a real person behind everything in that man.
YTA. When she made that decision, she probably didn’t think it was going to end like this. So blaming her for being in this mess (because that’s how that response reads) is a ballsy, stupid move.
How was being an asshole not the point of your statement?
Classic case of GF just wants to vent but very much so knows the reality of the situation, BF just wants to help and does so by telling her what she already knows.
NAH, but if you ever end up in this bind a good question is “Do you want solutions or just a listening ear?” If she asks you to just listen, validate and support.
Yta. She had no way of knowing when she decided to keep her pregnancy that this is how he would act if they were to ever split.
You’re being a monster about this. It is WELL documented how abusers can flip. Educate yourself and grab some empathy at the shop next time you’re there. Unbelievable.
YTA you’re not technically wrong, but she was looking to vent and find support, and you did not rise to the opportunity.
She knows all that. I’m sure she thinks about it often. Don’t pile on when she’s already down about it all.
She’s gotta take the kids whenever he doesn’t want to. After a while, petition the court for full custody.
If I was her, I would start to document every time he doesn’t come and get the kids. Her job is not to force him but make her children available to him. Follow the custody agreement to the letter.
Calm down, the reason why I say this, is for her to increase the child support payments. She is caring for the children more than him, consistently, and if she can prove that to a judge, they might charge him more.
I know dick move, but actions have consequences.
I mean, NTA. Nothing you said was wrong.
That said, it wasn’t smart lol. Her questions were rhetorical. She wanted you to basically say “yep, that sucks”
Now, if this is a situation that is ongoing and you are kind of tired of hearing about it, that is a fair conversation to have. But when she is mad about it already, that isn’t the time.
YTA want you did was kick the puppy after it had been hit by a car. You should be old enough to realise that many people can conceal their real selves for a hell of a long time so what you said was pretty much the dumbest thing you could’ve said. You need to apologise and be prepared for her to break up with you because you fucked up big
YTA. Do you think people just start being shitty and abusive right off the bat in the majority of relationships? Most people hide their bad behavior until you’re emotionally invested or have significant ties to them. This guy also has some untreated mental health issues, likely to have worsened with time, and it’s doubtful that she got into her prior relationship during a time when his mental health had been deteriorating. She is aware of her own choices, that doesn’t mean she isn’t a victim. What you said was insensitive and unhelpful in the moment.
ESH
You said she’s complaining a lot about it. She wanted someone to vent to, but unfortunately, it gets very exhausting… Listening to other people’s problems is emotionally draining, especially when it’s the same thing over and over
She was probably due for a bit of a reality check, though she’s probably very well aware she fucked up by having kids with her ex.
NTA People don’t like reality, sometimes they just like to vent. I tell my husband his response should always be ‘Those Sons of B*tches!” Send her a text and tell her you’re sorry she’s having to deal with a psycho and ask her how you can help going forward.
You know it’s definitely not fair, but unfortunately, at one point you had decided to have a relationship with a woman who is a survivor of narcissistic abuse and if you’re going to be involved with her in any capacity, you’re going to have to deal with this to some degree until the children are grown.
Not wrong, but very insensitive.
Don’t listen to those that say YTA. You are NTA. She asked a question, and you answered it. Forget the people that expect you to read into it and conjure up some lower level meaning. It drives me nuts, “when they say ‘xyz’, they really are looking for ‘abc'”. Then ask for ‘abc’ for crying out loud! Don’t get sucked into the ‘you should have read my mind’ games. Those games are bullshit.
NTA. Even if she’s venting, she needs to recognize her role in this situation. Unless she wants to abandon the kids, she better find a way to make this work. I really wish folks were more judicious on who they have children with.
Yta she was venting and wanting empathy, she wasn’t asking you to actually solve it.
Of course she KNOWS she has to deal with him.
YTA. Any advice that requires a time machine is bad advice.
Her questions were rhetorical; she’s understandably frustrated. She doesn’t want to be told “You made a bad choice in the past” (which she probably didn’t know was a bad choice at the time; people like that lie and hide things until you’re trapped).
She *knows* she’s stuck dealing with him. Why not “It’s definitely not fair. It sucks big donkey balls. I’m sorry.”
YTA. Clearly she was looking for some sympathy or at a minimum just trying to unload in what she thought was a safe space. It’s sucks and it is unfair that her ex is an abusive loser and a shitty co-parent. I’m sure she’s 100% aware that her past choices put her in the situation. Duh. That was extra shitty of you to throw it in her face.
Lol…. Yeah… The right answer is “It’s not fair honey. He’s an ass.”
YTA OP
First, what you said may or may not be true. “you made your bed now lie in it” is usually for poor choices that are obviously poor at the time and accepting the rather predictable consequences. Like not doing homework and then getting a bad grade. Yes she decided to have a relationship and children with this person, and *maybe* it should have been really obvious from the start that would be a bad choice, but maybe it wasn’t. Some people are really good at hiding their true colors until it is too late. Maybe it wasn’t objectively poor decision making that got her here, but more poor luck. It may have been more a mistake, than a choice.
*ALSO,* this is really problematic framing when children resulted from that “mistake”. She’s not going to wish she could go back in time and not have kids with this man because those kids are real people now, who she loves, and she’s not going to regret their existence regardless of what other frustrations and difficulties have come up with their father.
Second, she wasn’t asking for an analysis on her decision-making a decade ago. She was venting and asking for your support. And you know what? It’s *not* fair, her ex is a grown man with joint custody who should be taking responsibility. There’s no need at all to shift the blame back on her. So there was no reason for you to offer anything but empathy in that moment.
YTA.
YTA. When people are venting they are generally in need of reassurance, not that fuck shit you said.
>And I responded by saying: “You know it’s definitely not fair, but unfortunately, at one point you had decided to have children with him and if he’s going to be involved in their life in any capacity, you’re going to have to deal with this to some degree until the children are grown.”
She knows that. You just repeated shit she already knows in a super unhelpful way when she was already upset. An important part of a long-term romantic relationship, ESPECIALLY with children involved, is emotional support and you are showing her that you fail at that.
NTA. Nobody wants to be someone’s emotional dumpster. As a woman I find the take take of “she was just venting you just need to be supportive” annoying. The first time you talk about it is venting, even the 2nd or 3rd time. After that you have only 3 choices with any problem, accept it, fix it or walk away from it. I expect an emotionally and intellectually mature person to exercise one of those options eventually. As a woman I don’t tolerate a friend using my free time to unload the same problem over and over. This guy was wise to nip it in the bud and throw some ice cold logic on this woman.
So you like to kick them when there down eh.
She knows that, and you telling her is not helpful at all.
NTA next time ask her if she wants to vent or actually wants your opinion.
YTA.
I’m curious if, when you are feeling judgmental and thinking that it’s her fault for having kids with him, it ever occurs to you that maybe the dude seemed like a decent guy when she began having kids with him and that it was him shirking his responsibilities that made her realize he wasn’t a good partner? Do you really think so little of her intelligence and love for her children that you believe she would have __actively__ chosen a guy she knew was like this? What you said is not only thoughtless, it’s a misogynistic thing a lot of men say to women whose children have deadbeat fathers. Even if you didn’t mean to be misogynistic, you absolutely were (I also have to question why, in that moment when she as hurting and felt you were her safe person to vent to, your first thought of where to place blame for HIM dodging his responsibilities was with HER).
You owe her so many apologies, for not being a safe person, for blaming her for something that isn’t her fault, for trotting out a misogynistic trope used to shame women. Do better.