“Why is my dad paying off my sisters’ student loans but not mine? How can I address this situation? #FamilyIssues #Parenting #StudentLoans
Have you ever found yourself in the awkward position where your parent seems to be showing favoritism towards your siblings? It can be a challenging and confusing situation to navigate. If you’re facing a similar dilemma where your dad is paying off your sisters’ student loans but not yours, here are some tips on how to address the issue:
Communicate openly
Before jumping to conclusions or harboring resentment, have an open and honest conversation with your dad. Express your feelings and ask him for the reasons behind his decision. Understanding his perspective can help clarify the situation and possibly lead to a resolution.
Evaluate the situation
Reflect on your own financial circumstances and your relationship with your dad. Is there a valid reason why he is helping your sisters but not you? Are there any underlying issues that need to be addressed? Taking a step back to assess the situation objectively can provide valuable insights.
Seek alternative solutions
If your dad’s decision seems unfair or unjustified, you can explore other options for managing your student loans. Look into scholarships, grants, or loan forgiveness programs that can alleviate your financial burden. Additionally, consider discussing your situation with a financial advisor for personalized advice.
Maintain family harmony
While it’s natural to feel hurt or disappointed by your dad’s actions, strive to maintain a positive relationship with him and your sisters. Avoid escalating conflicts or creating tension within the family. Instead, focus on finding constructive ways to address the issue and move forward.
In conclusion
Dealing with family dynamics can be complex and emotionally challenging. By approaching the situation with understanding, communication, and a proactive mindset, you can navigate this dilemma with grace and resilience. Remember, your worth is not determined by financial support, and there are alternative paths to achieving your goals. #FamilyConflicts #SiblingRivalry #FinancialAdvice“
Just ask him. The worst he can say is “no,” and you won’t be any worse off.
Don’t bring up what he’s doing for your siblings.
Allot of context missing but why would you expect this? You have your own family with a high income household. You went with your mum and say you are not close with your dad. Why do you feel entitled to him paying your student dept?
I get it feels unfair, but from your own description you seem to be the kid thats most settled and independent.
I don’t have a good answer, but you seem to track his spending and gifting in a jealous petty way. You even seem upset he split his gift budget for you and spread it over your family. Being upset about this seems very immature and petty (sorry, its just how it comes off)
The fact is you are not close, I suspect there are other reasons for that than you are detailing.
Dont feel entitled to others money, even family. You are an adult, you haven’t been his financial responsibility for a long time. Relationships go both ways, even as a daughter
If I were you I wouldnt ask for money, specifically. I would ask if he’s punishing you for choosing to live with your mom because that’s how it feels to you. If he denies it, ask him what is the difference in principle between you and your sister who is also married. Because that’s what’s really upsetting, at least from how you describe this.
If he admits he’s punishing you, then you know who your father really is and you can adjust accordingly.
Ask him why there’s such a discrepancy between the treatment of you and your sisters.
I know you’ve focused primarily on finances here, but it sounds like this wound goes much deeper.
Let him know that it hurts to feel like he doesn’t love you or appreciate you as much as he does your sisters.
Be brave update soon tell him how you feel.
So, I would stop focusing on money. If you bring this forward in the way you did in this post, you will sound like you feel you are entitled to his money and like a child talking about gift amounts. Bad look, bad argument. He doesn’t owe you any of this. You also aren’t exactly in rags while paying off your debt. You chose to have another child via fertility treatment and can seemingly afford it even with you being off of work and having another kid plus your debt.
It seems the hurt truly is in the stark difference in treatment between you and your siblings, money just represents this. This is what I would discuss. Do not mention the way you count his money and gifts or help to everyone, as again it sounds petty and entitled. I would open up a conversation about your choice as a child, you notice you are treated differently from the rest (bring up some examples other than dollars to balance this), and ask if he is angry or carries resentment towards you for choosing to live with mom. Maybe this conversation can help to start to repair that, maybe it won’t.
I would explore in your heart if you want to repair the relationship, or if you simply want financial help. The latter may not get you anywhere. If you want help with something specific (student loans) you need to ask WITHOUT bringing up siblings. Then you need to accept the answer. If you want to repair the relationship, have a deeper conversation than finances.
Bruh a grown married woman is mad her dad ain’t paying her bills ?? If you’re so strapped for cash you don’t have extra money why are you even having another child ?? You could ask but at the same time that’s his money and he can do whatever he wants with it you’re not even close with the man you said so your self but your also mad he ain’t paying YOUR student loans ?? And you live in a high income household
If you really love your family, it’s time to look at your thoughts and reconsider them. No one owes you anything. Yes, you might get some money in this process, to help your unplanned expenses but you will loose whatever family bonding is left in between you and the rest of the family. What you value most as a person, will decide what you do. Remember whatever you decide is something that your two kids are going to learn from you.
I’d recommend being thankful for what he does give you and not focusing on the disparity. If you want to talk to him about the relationship, and not the finances, you should definitely do that. That’s the real issue here.
I would just ask him why he pays off her loans but won’t help you with yours. I would presume it’s because you chose to live with your mother so he holds a grudge against you due to that. The only way you’re going to find out is if you ask him.
Listen you’ve gotten a lot of good advice about how to approach the conversation. I just want to add that you need to be prepared for this to go poorly. I’m not saying don’t do it, but just don’t be shocked if he goes for your emotional jugular.
You’re too old to be crying about daddy paying for your sisters and not you. Don’t get me wrong it sucks but you’re an adult you can tell him straight up it’s not cool, then when he tries to pay out of pitty tell him to fuck off. You have your own family now so daddy not being a good dad shouldn’t be on your mind at this point. Make your opinion heard to him but don’t ask for or accept any penance from him. Move on, prosper, and do better for your children.
I would asked him, he makes it clear that the choice you made to live with your mom was one he didn’t liked. He is punishing you with this now.
It could explode, so be careful.
Take the money off the table. Don’t get into sums. Ask your father why he favours your sisters and tell him how that makes you feel. This is a conversation about how he treats you. If you throw numbers at him, he will mistake it for a conversation about money.
The reason he hasn’t paid your’s is quite obvious to me. He’s punishing you for staying going with your mom when they divorced. Pretty much a dick move on his part. For someone so smart, he is really stupid for doing this.
UpdateMe
Don’t ask him to pay anything just ask why he’s treating you differently.
I find the hardest thing to do is just get the conversation started. Once started it will come out… just have to choose timing and place well.
You can start by saying I feel like you treat my sisters better than me.
I think you should be honest. Stay in the moment. Don’t hold back. Say everything that is on your mind.
Your sisters aren’t married and your husband seems to make a decent living. It doesn’t seem like you would need the money in the same way that they might.
Don’t count what’s in your father’s wallet? Don’t count his cars or the number of gifts he gives. And while you’re at it, tell your struggling mom she doesn’t have to triple her Christmas budget. When my daughter was born, I started getting one gift and my daughter received many from my parents and that was just fine. And if you decided not to work, and to have another baby, that’s the choice you and your spouse made. Stay out of people’s pockets. Great advice from my wise father.
Ask him why he treats you differently. But expect his reply to be because you chose your mum.
Updateme!
You’re an adult and your educational expenses, bills, and finances are your responsibility. Your parents and your siblings finances are really none of your business. Maybe make a spreadsheet of monthly expenses and income to find where you can cut back so you are less strapped for cash. Don’t expect your dad to bail you out, that’s incredibly entitled and not realistic. Alot of us had to pay our own way through college, thats life. If you feel like your dad favors your sisters over you, maybe you need to check in with him more and work to build a better relationship if that’s what you’re seeking, but stop dwelling on the fact he isn’t handing you his money, you are not entitled to it.
Dad, I wanted to chat with you about some things and I’m hoping you can answer me.
Are you treating me differently than my sisters because I lived with mom after the divorce?
Why do I ask? I’d appreciate you being honest and answering my question first.
If he won’t answer. I wouldn’t tell him why as he’d never see it possibly.
Maybe it’s subconscious.
Do you actually think it’s because you lived with mom?
Ask him directly. Although he has no obligation to pay your bills since you are a grown woman with a job and a husband, the difference in treatment is worth a discussion. Ask him why. But I am curious as to why your mother had to get a minimum wage job to survive. She spent twenty years raising a family and your dad just left her with nothing? If that’s the case, your dad’s a huge asshole. He sounds like a selfish man who uses money as a mean to control the people around him.
Updateme!
I think this goes back to the divorce. Did someone cheat? Was it messy? If you aren’t sure I think some of this must have been going on behind the scenes. I have only seen this kind of behavior when a spouse cheats and then the children choose the cheater to live with. Thats just my thought, but I do agree with others that asking if he is angry or punishing you for something is a good idea. Get an idea where he is coming from.
You should ask him why he is treating you different. If it’s because of your choice as a child go LC/NC. He is not a good father or grandfather. Why should he be around your child when he treats you this way.
I think you need to have a conversation with your dad of why he treats you differently and how it feels like he is punishing you for living with your mom. It’s like he wanted to punish her by taking all her kids away but you ruined that so he’s taking it out on you. I wouldn’t emphasize the money but i would emphasize how hurtful his behavior is and why he felt your mom needed to be punished so severely.
My parents favored my older brother. I did everything almost on my own. He stayed home, and ended up with their house when they passed.
You can ask, but don’t expect a good answer.
Live your life, he will either see his error or he won’t
Ask him if he has heard that the government will be paying off your loan, or not.
UpdateMe!
25 years ago My parents gave me an xtra $330,000.00 when they retired. My brother and sisters had good jobs or married into money. I didn’t.
Maybe it’s something like that.
I would probably bring this to his attention and ask for an explanation. Also, what was the reason you chose to live with your mom over your dad? That might be important factor.
How can you not afford y’all’s bills!? Your husband makes over 100k. Who gives a shit what your dad does. Talk to him and say you don’t appreciate the bias but it’s his money in the end.
There is no reason you and your husband should have that much debt. So quit with the stupid spending habits, go to discount grocery stores, thrift stores/garage sales for clothes and such.
Pay off the credit card debt if it is rolling over each month, then tackle whatever else with the highest interest rate. If you have two cars with each loans sell one/ trade for something older and used. No reason to have the nice newest thing if it is just gonna bankrupt yall especially if the house and car purchase was at a stupid high interest rate.
The old man down the block selling his maintained 15 year old Toyota/honda whatever will last another 15 and will be nice when you see how much money you save.
You need to have a conversation with him, but as best you can really practice your tone to NOT sound accusatory and angry, but rather confused, and finally, make sure to have this conversation alone with him. Having the right setting where he does not feel that what you say is overheard or puts him in a bad light in front of others is very critical.
And do NOT get into specifics like you have done in this post from the onset. Try to generalize as you state “why” you are confused.
For example, stating, “Dad, I recently found out some things that are very confusing and have me concerned that something is wrong. I found out that my sisters have been getting things like their school loans and car insurance paid for, while you do not do that for me.”
Then, and this is very important . . . WAIT . . . for his response, and listen carefully when he states it.
He may say something like you are married and your husband does much better financially, and you have a career that is much more stable than your sister in real estate.
Then, with a controlled, non-judgmental tone of voice, point out how much debt you have. It’s very possible he does not realize it.
The last thing you want to do is accuse him outright of favoritism, or state aloud what you imply here that he is showing that favoritism to the other sisters because you chose to live with your mother.
You are not a party to private conversations he has had with your sisters. It is very possible that they each point-blank asked him for financial help along the way and he complied, and your perception of favoritism is wrong, because he comes from the perspective that if you needed his help you would have asked.
But this is what you need to also understand. Do you truly need his help? Are you only upset because you perceive favoritism? Would your husband want to take money from your dad?
Ask yourself what is to be gained and lost by this conversation you have with your dad and whether either are worth it.
This is tough. I probably would not say anything but would limit mo social contacts with him to holidays & birthdays. I suppose I would let him have contact with the grandkid(s).no use punishing the kid(s) but I would structure & limit my time with him. Would you even accept money from him at this point??
I mean you played your hand and he’s playing his now. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you but you chose your mom, you had to know there would be some consequences at some point.
You say nothing. You continue your life but slowly remove him from it. He thinks you’ll stick around because so far you have done, let him see how far throwing money around get him
You said you see him frequently, but are you close to him? Do you ever call or visit “just because?” Do you give him Christmas, birthday or Father’s Day gifts? Come to him with your problems? Or did all that reserved for your mother? Not saying you are doing anything wrong, but it sounds like your sisters just have a different relationship with him. Even if it seems different on the surface.